The Glass – Full/Empty?

Aside the Chicken and Egg debate, only one other question has successfully elicited much concern. It is baffling to know that years on, this question has still evaded any form of satisfactory conclusion but fear not, I am here to undertake it and put the issue to rest once and forever. You might view this as a discourse on pessimism and optimism but that’s really your business because viewing depends on your point of view and I think that’s why we are here. Is it not?

*orders drink*

Forgive me, I just realised I haven’t introduced the topic. Today, we shall be sharing on “The Glass. Half full or half empty?” *sips drink* You must beer with me, this post IS being written under the influence and I swear I probably will regret this when I’m sober but it was the only way to get myself into character to spew the brilliance that such a topic deserves. You must also beer in mind that I am a stout believer in principles and one of mine is not to think when I write, I think.

So let’s go on now shall we? The glass, is it half full or half empty?First of all, I put it to you that this statement is a fallacy. Anyone, anywhere, that asks such a question should be slapped upside the head. Why? You ask? Place a glass in front of you. Is it half full or half empty? Do you see now? The question ought to deal with the content of the glass and if this isn’t specified then we might as well conclude that it is empty. IS THERE ANYTHING IN THE GLASS? Or am I to believe that it contains spirits? Nah men, I’m not that drunk.

See?

BARMAN!!! Do you know that batman was once a … never mind.  I really don’t understand why people care whether the glass (and its content) is/are half full or half empty, it’s still going to evaporate anyway. While you’re sitting there performing your monitoring experiment, the world is moving on and the content of your glass is slowly (but surely) evaporating like the talent we all thought Ice prince had. My main bother right now isn’t this topic but who the fuck is paying for my next round.

Oh, here comes my drink. So I asked the barman to pour me half a glass of Uncle Jack and before he left, I put the question to him: “Emma, is this glass of JD half full or half empty?” He gave me a quizzical look, threw the napkin over his shoulder, held the glass to eye level then said “Oga, e half now but e no mean, na full bill I go still give you” At that moment, I understood the way Kanye feels when he listens to D’banj talk.

I’m sorry but Kanye was unavoidably absent…but that’s the look

Moving on with this debacle, it is said that the optimist sees the glass as half full, and the pessimist sees it as half empty. Who was the person who made this observation? Was he drinking? Who made him judge and overseer in chief of issues of the glass?

No really, is this topic even remotely important in your life? Is it going to cause your phone to beep with reports of an account credit alert? Is the half full/half empty glass really that important? Think about it. We should probably set this issue aside and talk about what’s really bothering you..Just ensure you buy the next round is all I’m saying. No? ok, we carry on then. The good thing about this bar is that there are all sorts that come in here. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take this glass and ask some people around for their unwarranted, shitty opinions. Sigh…the things I do for a glass.

Q: Is the glass half full/half empty?

Policeman: “I’ll ask the questions. You’re drunk abi? You have the right to remain silent…” Eysss Oga, I’m not thunk, I drink. *hurries away*

Actor: “Whatever the director wants it to be-or not to be” Me: Such an assoholic character.

Another pessimist: “The glass is full of shit!” Me: Ahn ahn, who hurt you people seriously?

Born again brother: “It doesn’t really matter, my cup runneth over” Me: What exactly are you doing here, tasting the spirits? (I think the bible said testing, but thats the igbo pronunciation in me)

Mathematician: “if the glass is equally half full and half empty, then half full = half empty, therefore ½ x F = ½ x E; therefore (multiplying both sides of the equation by 2) we show that F=E; i.e. Full equals Empty! Me: and your point is…???

Bigiano (Musician): “Why the shayo no full na” Me: Na your party we dey?

Physicist: “The glass isn’t half full or half empty, it has a probable 50% composition of liquid content and an unseen remainder content of air – hence fully filled on the whole! Me: k, Na Cu story.

Patrick Obahia(etc): “While the terms half full and half empty are colloquially acceptable as used in parlance, this continuum called glass can technically be neither since both are absolute states and therefore incapable of being halved or modified liqua ipsum” Me: -___-

Wole (@TTXiii): “a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the tip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn’t reach the top, it was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor reaches the top then it was either half full or half empty. Now what was the question again? Me: *insert BBM ‘beat up’ smiley*

Dude, what the actual fuck?

Mother with her nagging 5 year old: “sweetheart, it’s whatever you want it to be, just please let me have 5 minutes peace and quiet” Me: err…ok

Abeg, I’m tired of walking up and down this bar, staggering more like it. I’m not so much concerned with whether this glass is half whatever, can you imagine all the germs it has gathered now? And no one has yet offered to buy the next round *goes back to sit* The theory of the glass basically represents two states of existence, some say it shows whether you’re happy or sad; Positive or negative; pessimist or optimist. I have come to realise that these things aren’t always flip sides, sometimes there’s more than meets the eye as our ‘correspondents’ have shown. I personally like to look at the glass as half full, the only time I look at it as half empty is times like now when I wonder where the other half went

In conclusion tho, here’s my stance *tries to stand and staggers* I put it to you that the glass is both half empty and half full, that neither can exist without the other and as such a balance is required to maintain universal equilibrium. These two states are merely mirror images of the same realistic concept, so in the purity of absolute truth, the glass is neither half full or half empty, the glass simply IS…

*gulps drink and slumps to floor*

Sirkastiq… out.