Old Roger

Today is one of those days where we just want to chill and give your mind a rest for a bit. We believe we have successfully confused, convinced and convulscated your mental faculty (if in existence), so what better way to ease in than with a cool story. It’s general knowledge around these parts that no one tells cool stories better than this bush baby. Ladies, Gentlemen and Frank Lotion wannabes, enjoy @TheGreyGenesis

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We all, at one point or the other, (Since we’re not Actual Pokemons pretending to be Human beings) must have heard of the Old Roger Nursery Rhyme.
Oh, You haven’t? Really? Really?

*Old Roger is dead and gone to his grave (Hmm Ha, Gone to his Grave)
They Planted an Apple tree over his head (Hmm Ha, Over his head)
The Apples Grew ripe and Ready to fall (Hmm Ha, Ready to fall)
A Lady came by and picked them all up (Hmm Ha, Picked them all up)
Old Roger got up and gave her a Knock (Hmm Ha, Gave her a knock*

Something like that.

Toh. Anyway, There I was, Picking Beans last thursday, innocently Day dreaming … thinking of mundane things like How to Pick the Beans without annoying the hapless bean weevils or causing a Riot in their community about why their homes were being picked and for what purposes exactly. I had just started to hum waywardly to myself hoping to cause more confusion for the weevils and had to pause mid-hum when I realised what tune I had hither-fore been humming.

The Old Roger tune.

Why was I thinking about this song on a thursday, I wondered.
Why did this song baffle me so? O_o

I decided to mentally analyse the song line by line and just like that – I was caught in the throes of an aimless epiphany. I suddenly realised why the song troubled me so.

3 Questions Sprung to my mind:

Now, You need to understand this one thing before you continue reading. Whenever I get hungry? Like Honest to God  Hungry? I start to see Visions.

Let me Explain…

*          *          *

Carolina moved in Silence like the G in Lasagna as she Vaulted over the Low Brick wall that served as the Fence of the Graveyard. She dropped and Rolled dramatically on impact with the earth on the other side; ending up in a Semi-crouch.

“I’m in.” She whispered into the Microphone cuffed to her left wrist sleeve.

She had received this Top Priority Classified Assignment from the agency last night and had flown in with the Boss immediately on the first flight this Morning. It had taken the better Part of her afternoon to assemble the equipment she now had packed in the medium sized Duffel bag tightly strapped across her back.

Carolina had been told this Mission was of utmost importance to the very foundation of the Existence of every living thing on the Planet and as such, was a Secret Mission.

No One was told what the mission was.
No One.
Not even Carolina.
The Boss just dropped her at the Graveyard and whispered “Good luck”.

She tiptoed gingerly between the Silent Graves as she peered Blankly into the darkness. Now, Carolina was not a smoker.  She never Drank Alcohol nor did Drugs, Which was why she was Genuinely Shocked as she suddenly saw Casper the friendly ghost sitting innocently on a Tomb stone with a half eaten Corn cob in one ghostly hand.

She Screamed.

Like, Imagine how you’d feel if you had a room that Absolutely NOBODY goes into except you, and one day you come back from School/Work and you open the door of the room and you meet YOUR Parents with YOUR Landlord and Landlady all naked and astride each other in an unholy Tangle on YOUR bed?

IMPOSSIBLE Yeah?

Yeah. That’s how Carolina felt as she saw Casper.

It shook its head and asked her Gently if she wanted her mission explained now, or if she still felt like screaming Rudely
She swallowed.

“H-how is this happening?” She Spluttered.

It looked at her funny as if she had just asked for a Twitter follow back during a Sermon while in church and asked her if she had expected to see the Easter bunny instead, seeing as she was Loitering in a Graveyard at Midnight.

She Swallowed again. “Okay. What is my mission?”

It Began explaining about the existence of a myth that stemmed from this very Graveyard. Then it asked her if she ever heard of the Old Roger Myth?

She Blinked

“The One that died with an Apple tree over his Grave?” Yes and No, the Spirit told her. Yes, that’s the Roger. And No. Old Roger is Very Much Alive, it said sounding constipated.

“EHN?” Carolina intoned

Once upon a time, the spirit recited dully, the Government wanted Old Roger’s Farm just because. So they had him killed and uprooted one of his apple trees from his farm and planted it over the head of his grave.

Casper went on to inform her that sadly whenever the Apples Grow ripe and fall, Something Strange occurs. Whoever tries to Pick these apples, Be it Ghost, Civilian or Marine Spirit, Old Roger would suddenly Jump out from God knows where, and deliver a Knock of Abysmal Head shape changing Proportions to the picker of the apples.

Apparently, the other resident Ghosts recently learned from Carolina’s agency that Old Roger has been alive for Centuries now, after having escaped from the Government’s plot and learned Strong Black Magic. He then infused this Black magic into his apples, all of which could grant a wish to anyone who takes a bite. Yet he won’t let anyone do so, just to spite the Government.

They also learnt that Old Roger had a new unknown Look and only one thing about his identity was for certain. Females named Carolina make him want to sit down

Carolina gasped.

Casper apologised to her without sounding sorry and explained that she was requested from her agency solely because of her name and agency’s assurance of her courage in the course of all previous missions.

Carolina started putting 2 and 2 together. Evidently the Apples were ripe at the moment and must have started to fall.

Casper Peered at her intently, nodded and told her point blank that her mission should she choose to Accept would be for her to Pick as many apples from Roger’s grave then try to discover his identity by telling him her name when he appeared.

The chubby spirit explained to her:
(1) with The Power of her name, Old Roger would be compelled to sit down and would therefore be unable to give unto Carolina, the Knock of head shape changing proportions and …

(2) he should be obligated to tell her HIS new name and the ghosts and agency would thereby be able to identify him.

Carolina ingested this information silently and wondered why her Agency was so dramatic. This was the earth Changing mission?
O_o

She yimu’ed and told Casper it was a Piece of Cake and she would accept the Mission. She wanted to ask what Ghosts wanted with wish granting apples in the first place but spying the half chewed corn Cob in Casper’s hand, she left the issue at that.

The Ghost led and she followed. That Ghosts existed and that she just had a dialogue with one had not fazed her since the initial shock. But that there was a Man from a Myth who was alive and Magic apples and talks of Concussion inducing Knocks? Carolina found that funny indeed and she Laughed out loud as they came round a Bend and Casper pointed at a lone grave afar off with a Giant moody tree beside the Head stone.

The Spirit wished her Goodluck and disappeared as she trudged over to the Grave. Apples were everywhere on the graveyard floor beside the Headstone which Simply read ‘Old Roger’.

She looked at the Tree, looked at the Grave, looked around quickly, saw no one and Bent down to Pick an apple.

Immediately her finger touched the Apple, a Guttural HMMMMMMMMMMMMM HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Boomed from the tree and a Sudden Breeze Gusted over her entire frame. Carolina looked up quickly and dropped the Apple in shock.

Plummeting from the tree’s top Branches, fist Outstretched (like Superman trying to fly to the sun) towards her forehead, a figure dropped with incredible speed.

She Ducked aside just in time as the fist Brushed the air in front of her forehead and Smashed into the Earth where she had been standing Just a Split second ago. Carolina could have sworn she  actually inhaled the knuckles as the fist swept past. It smelled like Sulphur and Aspirin. The force of the impact created a Crater in the earth which ripped open the floor, along with Old Roger’s grave.

Carolina started to shiver.

Sudden understanding flowed into her mind. THAT was what the Knock would have done to her had it touched her head! Her throat felt parched. The figure rose from the Crater and started to walk towards her, somehow managing to evade the moonlight.

“Oh no. Oh shit. Oh dear God No” She whimpered. She had seen shit like this in movies. The Movies NEVER END WELL.

With a Start, she suddenly remembered Casper’s instruction.

“MY NAME IS CAROLINA!” She Screamed at the figure and a remarkable thing happened.

The figure Suddenly sat. Like, no chair, no stool. Just sat on air with both arms outstretched. He just assumed the posture of someone riding a Bike. But without the Bike.

Remembering the mission, Carolina quickly picked as many apples as she could stuff into her back pack and started to scamper away. Then she paused.

Casper had told her to also find out Old Roger’s identity.

If Old Roger was truly still alive, Carolina Personally wanted to know what he looked like, regardless of how scared she felt.

“Old Roger?” She called out apprehensively as she took one step, then another towards him.
Closer. Closer. She urged herself. One more step.

She was now standing Directly in front of his Oddly seated form.

The Moonlight shone directly on him and Carolina Gasped again in shock even as all the apples and her Bag fell to the floor from suddenly numb fingers.

The Long hair. The Beard. The Stoned expression in those eyes.

“YOU???” She asked, Shocked to the Core of her Mind.

“YOU’RE OLD ROGER???”

He laughed then.

“I was Old Roger but Old Roger is now me. I chose to hide myself in the Plain view of Public eyes. And you all never knew a Damn thing. That’s how UnderGee I am” He rolled the Words out with the familiar rhythmical Lilt Carolina was very familiar with.

Carolina stared incredulously at him. In mid air in front of her was none other than Saucekid.


It all started to make some Weird sort of sense then even though it didn’t.

‘Carolina’. ‘Undergee’ .The ‘making him want to sit down’ bit. But …

“Yes, Utunu.” He said. “You have discovered my identity. I, Sinzu am Old Roger. And Old Roger is Sinzu too. But I have one Question for you”

“WHO IS SINZU???”

(-.(-.(-.(O_O).-).-).-)

Carolina looked in my direction from my mind at this point and Screamed 8 words at me.

“DAMMY THE FUCK IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU?!”

The End.

[N.B No Bean Weevils were harmed during the Meditation that eventually led to me having wasted YOUR time with this Spective. Peace, Love and Shoprite Bread Y’all] (???)\/

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About Grey

You and I are going to go back (word by boring word) until we find EXACTLY where it all went wrong.

53 thoughts on “Old Roger

  1. Lol. Interesting tale. The unnecessary capitalization of the first letters of some words created a colossal distraction in my mind.

    Editor, in future, please keep this to the barest minimum or just stick to the far from austere rules of morphology.

    Good work regardless. 🙂

    Like

  2. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahhahahahahahahhaha!!!!!!!!!! Sauce kid????? I havee never been so fucked with in my head! Sauce kid!b imma get this piece to him! He needs to seee this! But in dd end, Dammy, wtfs wrong wichu???!!!

    Like

  3. LOL! I don’t even know how this post ended up being about Saucekid. I was originally tying the Old Roger tale into some Garden of Eden conspiracy theory and Morgan Freeman was there in the earlier story somehow. But TRACE kept on repeating Saucekid’s videos continuously as I typed. And now we have this mess (º̩̩́_º̩̩̀)

    Like

  4. Ohhhh my faqqqing dayyyzzzzz!! LOOOOOOOOOL

    Like seriously??!!!

    What is the meaning of this faqqqing shiiii!!!!!
    Who is this pscho case in our midst?!! Father save him!!

    Like

  5. Abeg all u people saying its mango tree probablu went to L.E.A Primary schools, havent u guys watched any ryhmes as kids?? Dammy u need urgent psycho-analysis though…

    Like

  6. *rolls from here to Kazakistan in my undies* You know when you’re laughing so hard that you make no sound and end up looking like a retard (also known as a Dammie)? That’s me right now :’).

    Like

  7. They also learnt that Old Roger had a new unknown Look and only one thing about his identity was for certain. Females named Carolina make him want to sit down

    Carolina gasped , if na u , u no go gasp noni???seriously though u is just not well, *my belle oooo ma head ooo*

    Like

  8. Lmho!

    This story used to freak me the hell out! I bet it still will if I think about it. -___-

    But why did some words start with capital letters, tho? Secret code?

    Like

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