I grew up loving those Nasco wafer biscuits. You know, the ones with the strawberry and vanilla flavor wrapped blue and green. Crunchy stuff. Anyway, today the saying “that’s why the cookie crumbles comes to mind” It’s quite popular but a lot of us don’t even know what it means. What cookie? Why did it crumble? How did it crumble? To hopefully bring light to this worrisome matter is Bankole @xoAFRO
WARNING: This post is quite um…just follow along and hopefully you wont crumble along with the Cookie.
We should be aware, my munchkins, that in the bid to invent the eternal, non-crumbling cookie, the browser cookie was invented. However, it would seem that they are intangible and as a result cannot be enjoyed with a glass of milk.
Now what would a cookie be without a glass of milk?
We should also be aware, dear munchkins, that the Nigerians are entirely hilarious. They also have invented the solid cookie which that call the ‘Skuki’ – it sings, it dances and it comes in a very colourful twin pack. It however, unlike the browser cookie can be consumed with a glass of milk if you flip that way. I assure you though, it is a different experience from what you would expect.
This is the first story that you would ever read about cookies.
Google told me that the first cookie was probably made in Persia around the seventh century AD. I believe this information is false. I honestly believe that Leonidas packed some of his wife’s trusty oatmeal cookies inside the pockets of his metal war briefs before setting out with three hundred of his best soldiers. But this story is not about the war general thrusting extended spear into oncoming enemies with his weak arm while brushing off cookie crumbs from his luxurious beard with the hand that mattered. I believe that the battle was lost when the general dipped his war hand into his pocket and felt nothing but good ole’ dick – it felt good for a minute and he was distracted enough to miss the move that cost him everything.
Why had there even been a war? I’ll tell you why. Xerxes’ first lady, Queen Esther had not the technology to bake cookies. But, the aroma of chocolate chip treats and hash brownies and rock cakes would waft across the sea to punish the ruler of the world until he could take it no longer. The Queen of Sparta would bake those little devils when Xerxes was playing medieval golf with the polished thigh bones of his enemies and the smell of them would distract him so much that it would ruin his handicap ratings.
Meanwhile Leonidas was getting these amazing cookies and tapping Spartan booty. Anyone would be jealous.
But again, this story is not about Leonidas or Xerxes.
Talking cookies, in 510BC, the Emperor Darius discovered during a war campaign that, in the words of the urban philosopher, ChuddyKrates, sugarcanes really weren’t bamboos. This is the first record of the source of today’s most popular sweetener being discovered, but don’t forget that honey had existed a long time before so we’d have to dig deeper.
Isn’t it obvious? We eat cookies because they are delicious. Of course, the story starts the first mention of the noun ‘honey cakes’ is made. I can see you imagining a Neanderthal hoodrat, calling her caveman by this endearment when she wants some cowries to buy the latest warthog skin purse from the Ice Age collection by Wolfe Mammoth II. Relax, I’m talking about literal honey cakes.
Many years ago, before the Yoruba were exiled from Mecca for calling the name of God the wrong way and before Ibos ladies discovered that they could transplant yam tubers from inside the floor into their hairy legs, someone discovered honey.
It is rumoured that this individual had eaten a significant part of a beehive after a drunken game of Root and Deer and that the last words of this nameless individual were “E sweet die”, after which the individual passed on after going into anaphylactic shock because of allergies to the many bee stings he had suffered in fulfilling the dare. It is also rumoured that Yoruba people give their children names like Bisi, Bimbo, Bisola, Biola, and so on, in honour of the person who made this ultimate sacrifice. It is also rumoured that the Yoruba forefathers could not spell properly and after the invention of these naming schemes, the concept of a spelling bee was created to assist their children better understand general lexicon and phonetics.
However, even though honey had been discovered, baking flour hadn’t. The same Yoruba people were too busy putting yam flour in their local guns as a getaway mechanism to help them escape from their enemies in case the bullets didn’t hit the target. This was because the guns were honestly useless except for killing small animals like bush rats already dying in traps. The Yoruba people weren’t doing so badly however, because their Ibo counterparts were painting the powder on the faces of their young maidens as a form of fashion and on their witch doctors as a signal of office.
Basically, although some of the ingredients to make a cookie, at least, a yam flour cookie, were available, the two tribes kept faffing around till some caucasian Neanderthal discovered fire while poking the end of his walking stick into a rock because he thought trees needed to have sex with the floor to grow. It took another five hundred years for fire to find its way around the world.
But when fire eventually found its way to the general area near the Niger, the denizens there had already started cooking with spiritual assistance. Sango was making a fortune sending electric power from the sky to fall upon enemies as well as cooking pots and Amadioha wasn’t too far behind. When the technology of fire arrived however, they discovered that they did not have to risk electrocution to eat a cooked meal so they let bygones be bygones.
Even though our ancestors were too busy frying, boiling, broiling, roasting, smoking, grilling, poaching, steaming and generally applying the heat from fire to their foods in any way necessary, they never for once thought once about baking. This is why we have no baked local dishes.
Except Agege Bread…
But this is also why there is no moi-moi in Israel. Somewhere along the line, someone in Egypt figured out how to mix flour, honey and eggs in the right proportions and let them stay somewhere hot just long enough. Unfortunately, the person would pour some cheese on it and serve slices of pizza to Pharaoh. Cookies yet refused to be invented. At least, not until some kid added too much honey to the recipe and left it in the oven for too long. This kid invented the cookie and he is the forefather of all coo kids.
See what I didn’t do there?
But any of this is not why the cookie crumbled. Why the cookie crumbled is really simple.
The cookie crumbled because it was in Leonidas’ metal pants. During his “Tonight, we dine in hell” speech.
And ever since then, they tried to invent the non-crumbling, eternal cookie so that no more wars may be lost on account of such an hallowed treat.
*editors note* Ladies and Gentlemen, insert your WTF? here. Thanks.