*singing* ..and you could have been my baby, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. HeeHee! *grabs crotch, spins and tiptoes, kicks air and extends right arm out* Oh Hi there, my bad, didn’t know you guys were here already. So yeah, Welcome fam, it’s gon’ be a ruckus up in hurr today yo. Lemme lay it on u for a minute. So today we’ve got this mad ass topic that done be giving many a brother sleepless nights for donkey years yo! “Is the Zebra a nigga or is he just a white ass with nigga strippings?”
It’s so much of a problem that i had to get two of my niggas to help sort it out. What this means is that today we gon’ have two posts. Ungh! Here’s the first of the two, the next follows at 4pm so you might wanna look out for that.
Yáll give it up for my man Femi @MallamSawyerr
Greetings earthlings! It’s a bright sunny afternoon and we are coming to you live outside The Sirkastiq Centre here on WordPress Boulevard. The atmosphere is PULSING. Hundreds are inside the centre with thousands more outside, all here to witness this memorable event. Make shift galleries have been set up with huge 3D screens to make this experience one to be remembered for those not pulsing enough to be inside. For on this day the age old debate on what the true colour of Zebras is will finally be put to rest.
Vehicles dropping off notable Blogsville personalities and WordPress Noblesse have formed a steady stream. First to arrive is the presiding judge in today’s case, Justice Saka of the Ugwu Court. Next to arrive are his colleagues on the bench, Justice Terdoo of the Terdoh Court and Justice Grey of the Meme Court. It promises to be one for the books ladies and gentlemen. They are followed by individuals of timbre and calibre; I’m talking high media net worth people, The Naked Convos team led by the bawse himself The Tools Man. I also see The Susheys are here as well, all ten of them. The Pass The Salt band just dropped off as well. Would you look at that ghen…oh sorry, I got distracted for a minute there. Right, I’m going to hand you over to our correspondent inside the centre for the real action.
Everyone is seated and all we await is the arrival of the lead counsel representing the whites. Suddenly the door opens, and in walks the one known as the Gidi Mallam leaving a pool of glistening liquid in his wake. Never have I seen one man drip so much swaggu. It’s literally forming a pool on the centre’s floor setting off irridescent reflections like a disco ball. A man with extensive experience with animals of all kinds on all continents including but not limited to pussies, bitches, asses, rabbits, cougars, pandas, bingos, giraffes and a host of others. He is certainly a huge asset for the white team.
*i see what you did there you pavat*
As he gets to his designated position, he immediately begins his address.
Your Honours, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ladies and gentlemen, animals, oh and freaks, here present. I come to you today with a truth that was deduced after careful investigation, involving many hours of safari stake outs, interrogation of several animals and clandestine experimentation. Ladies and gentlemen, it is with confidence and solid conviction I tell you today, that Zebras are white with black stripes. Ordinarily, it would be enough for me to end my case here, but being the man of science that I am, such a conclusion must be followed by indubitable logic supported by rock solid evidence and ratified by expert witness. I will do that shortly.
Allow me to invite to the stand an actual zebra for cross examination.
Shock and awe fill the room as in trots a fine Zebra specimen, truly a sight to behold. Immediately the Zebra is sworn in the cross examination begins.
Mallam: *facing the crowd* For the purpose of records, and since not too many of you speak Animal, Monsieur Panda’s ass has volunteered to interpret for us. A very gracious ass I must say.
*He then faces the Zebra*
Please state your full names for the court.
Zebra: *neigh neigh* *snap snap* *neigh neigh**tongue noise*
Panda’s Ass: *long fart* *short fart* *long fart* *jiggle*
|I am Nauoff Zebra, you can call me NZ, of House Equus Grevyi, largest and ruling house of the Equus Quagga. A Southern Son and heir to the Zebra throne. Thus I am worthy to speak for my people.|
Mallam: NZ I’m afraid you will have to prove to this court why you are the heir to the Zebra throne.
NZ suddenly turns his rear quarters fully to the entire court and then speaks.
NZ: *jiggle jiggle* *twerk twerk* *bounce bounce* *clap clap*
Panda’s Ass: *wobble wobble* *twerk twerk* *jangle jangle* *clap clap*
|You see this booty, it is THE GHEN GHEN. The only booty greater than this booty in the whole Zebra kingdom belongs to my mama. That’s why I’m the heir. You think they call us Imperial Zebra for nothing.|
Mallam: Thank you NZ. Now that we’ve settled the credibility of my witness we shall proceed.
Now NZ I would like you to nod in affirmation or shake your head in negation to the following questions. Do you understand my instructions?
Mallam: Good. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica the Southern Sons have white and black stripes with these stripes receding into full white around the stomach area. Is this information correct?
Mallam: Thank you. Is it also true that even in the Northern Sons even though the stripes are thicker and cover the entire body by measurement the white segments cover a larger surface area.
Opposition: Objection your honours. How does the witness know this, did he actually take said measurements with the counsel.
Judges: Ogbeni sharrap and let’s hear from Nauoff Zebra o jare. Ehen Mallam, continue jo.
Mallam: Thank you your honours. So in much the same way we call the human meal “Rice and Beans” because the rice is more than the beans it follows logically that because they have more white than black Zebra are actually white with black stripes.
Mallam: Now NZ, this next question is a very important one. Is it true that there was once a race of Zebra called the Equus Quagga Quagga that, had stripes only on the neck, legs and hind quarters, with their backs being solely brown?
Mallam: Will you care to share with this court how it became extinct?
NZ: *neigh neigh neigh* *trumpet neigh* *tongue noise* *neigh* *snort snort* *snort neigh tongue noise*
Panda’s ass: *etighi* *azonto* *twerk twerk jiggle* *clap clap* *atilogu*
|Well, it’s simple really, their black asses couldn’t survive because they weren’t strong enough. In Zebra it’s opposite of the situation with y’all humans. The whiter the zebra, the bigger the booty and the stronger they are. That’s why Southern Sons rule. You seen the booty in this part of Africa? Dude, they are the ghen ghen. Oh and yeah, because them Quagga were ratchet. Only ratchet folk have their name repeated twice.|
Mallam: Thank you very much for that insightful revelation. No further questions for this witness your honour.
At this point I would like to bring in the Physics of pigment colours into this argument. It is a fact that pigments add subtractively. In essence, we see colours because of the colours of light that are absorbed by such pigments. Thus white implies an absence of pigment. While black implies a presence of ALL colours of pigments, thus absorbing all the colours of light. In essence, it makes more sense that Zebras’ coats are actually white bases covered with white stripes.
The entire court is stupefied at such sound logic.
In closing I would like to say that the result this day in no way casts aspersions on any human race. After all we are not truly black excluding the likes of Wande Coal, Mode Nine, Alek Wek and Lumeelogan. Neither are Caucasians truly white, Nicole Kidman and Paul Scholes are as well not considered. We are simply seeking to settle once and for all for the sake of humanity what the Zebra and all other animals have already accepted, that Zebra are white with black stripes. At this point, seeing as Res Ipsa Loquitor, I can confidently say Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
The applause is resounding as the Gidi Mallam goes to take his seat. It has indeed been a great performance. Humans, animals and freaks alike all standing in ovation.
*After Jury passes its verdict*
The entire hall is in an uproar from the excitement of the ruling. Suddenly, an individual rushes to the front and grabs the mic.
My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation. And I tell y’all that the Zebra is the monster offspring of the black Africans who performed acts of bestiality with the lovely unicorn. Oh that lovely white skin. With the beautiful white horn and the long flowing white hair. But these niggas had to taint it. THEY ARE DEMONS I TELL YOU. DEMONS. DEMONS!!!
The court bailiffs hurriedly whisk him away bringing a colourful end to our day’s proceedings.
So guys, this is obviously one perspective of things. Join us at 4pm when we bring to you the flip side of the coin. Till then, lets hear your comments on Femi’s post and um… keep your ass out of trouble. Cheers yo!