This was written on Keetkat’s blog in June 2011, a follow up on a post ‘SenseAble’ http://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/senseable/ i did on mine..
*Knocks mic* Hello?! Anyone here?…Oh hi! I didn’t notice you were already on this page. Allow me introduce myself seeing as I’m the stranger in these parts. The name is @KevinWithanL. That’s pronounced Kevin with an ‘L’. I am honoured to have been invited by ‘kitkat’ to Guest blog on here…ok, ok, enough of the formal ish, that ain’t how I roll. Please bear with me as I get comfortable in my own style and delivery. Ok lets proceed, shall we?
Yes! On my last blogpost : http://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com , I wrote about how its necessary for guys to consider their total ‘package’ before proceeding to try to snap up a chic, using the 5 senses as guidelines.. Today though, I’m gonna be facing them females. Yup! Its only natural they get their own share of the whip innit? Guys can I get an “AMEN’? So fine girl, that dude you’ve been rearing butterflies for finally calls you up and sets a date and you think you should just wear cloth, enter cab/bus, get there, sit down and allow him do all the talking while you just nod and eat his money ehn? TAAAHHH!!! Have you ever been on what seemed like a totally perfect date only to discover that oga NEVER called you afterwards? I am here to help ensure that doesn’t happen again!
Lets look again at the 5 senses as they relate with the ladies…
1.SIGHT: Aunty, let me define what beautiful is as a basepoint for further discourse. Beautiful as the name implies is derived from two words: FULL of BEAUTY. However, you can only consider yourself beautiful at 6am in the morning. Do you wake up from bed and scream “Blood of Jesus!” when you look at the mirror. oh! u don’t? ok, u’re already used to yourself…Ask yourself “if someone sees me at the point of waking up, will they be able to qualify me as beautiful?” whatever your answer to this is, don’t worry…it is well. If people like Azeezat, Kemistry and Karen of (BBA) can have boyfriends, then there’s hope for you! The first thing a guy will see is your FACE! Please ladies, light make up does wonders, don’t come with your face looking like picasso’s art palette…shaved eyebrows are a NO-NO!! Fire burn the person that started the idea of replacing eyebrows with crayon, if no one has told you, let me be the first: it makes you look like plucked chickens! If you are going to do the whole fixed lashes and eyebrows and fixed eyes sef, pls make sure you don’t look like a cross between Nikki Minaj and Zizi Cardow.
This aspect also involves your hair, yes! We don’t really care whether it’s darling yucky, Brazilian or shuku. We cant tell the difference so don’t come and be telling us. The koko here is if your hair has reached ‘itchy’ stage, try and do something about it before we see…Hitting your head like some drug junkie is DISGUSTING! It makes you look like you’re trying to get your brain to boot…For your lips, nothing heavy, lip gloss works just fine, pls lip gloss, groundnut oil and ororo are not the same thing! Don’t make the lips cry, just wet enough to hold our gaze!
2. SMELL: what a man can do, a woman can do better, I totally agree! Yes, ladies I do! The smell of a smelling lady is epic! As in ehn… if Lazarus rose from the dead, came in contact with such a lady, he definitely will die again! Have you ever been to Oshodi market? Yes? No? ok…well, if u’ve ever bought pepper and stuff from a fat, black woman under the hot sun, the smell might not be new to you! So babes, ensure you smell nice..no your powder isn’t enough, body cream doesn’t substitute for Perfume o! Those fruity #350 perfumes do smell good, so get one and spray it! If you are on the fat side, I’ve been informed that powder between some places helps a lot too!
3. SOUND: Its no news that some ladies are very poor at conversation, you just expect the guy to talk and talk and talk. Believe me, that’s boring and your inability to engage in intellectual discourse scores you no points! Ladies, u have to know more than Africa Magic and Genevieve’s middle name, you have to know more than Beyonce’s latest song and all. We are not saying u should know who runs CNN or the latest political gist but just know a lil’ about everything..
Still concerning sounds, PLEASE no one is interested in hearing the chewing process going on in your mouth while eating, its totally gross hearing you chew, regurgitate etc, when drinking too, avoid slurping and drinking till the last contents are gone. Do you know why there is a “liquid content only” instruction? Because some will attempt to chew the bottle when done! Laughter they say is good medicine, it can however become a laxative when it comes out in disgusting forms. Have you heard some people laugh? They sound like a generator at start up, its embarrassing…ladies, giggles are cool and if you’re gonna laugh hard, try and stifle it at some point. Oh! If you are one of those that pronounce ‘LOL’ while claiming to laugh, God will punish you oh! #justSaying
For those that love killing chickens again by storing bones in your stomachs, please you can like to request for take away nylon and stuff that chicken in your bag, enjoy in bliss when you get home! As for the issue of farting, I shall be silent…
4.TOUCH: As a spill-over of some ‘ladies’ laughing patterns, there normally arises some form of physical abuse. Some people laugh so hard and then decide that they just want to slap you, I mean WTF? And their palms are like Bricklayers palms, now imagine getting slapped hard everytime a girl laughs, such torture! Anyway, moving on, guys are quick to receive signals, the frequent reaching out to touch his hand, the leaning into him at the counter when ordering, linking your hand through his, all these register on a she-likes-me level. So you shouldn’t be surprised at a reciprocative gesture from him eventually. If you don’t want any satellite experiences, don’t send out any signals.
5. TASTE: Much doesn’t have to be said here, the message is simple, contact me if you want to learn the art of successful kissing. After u have passed all the previous tests and you so desperately want him to kiss you but you’re scared cos u’re a lip synching virgin. You don’t know how to bend you head, the perfect angle for the maximum output, the adequate amount of saliva to exchange etc…Lets not get into too much X-rated detail. I don’t want kitkat to kill me…
So yeah, I think my work here is done