This was written on @bulejr’s blog http://bulejr.wordpress.com for his “Date days” series in 2011…
Today let’s get a little humour as we look at what happens when a date goes horribly wrong for a guy. Enjoy.
The perfect date.
What the hell is a perfect date? I think 1/1/11 will qualify. No? My bad.
I was approached by @bule_jr and given a rundown on his desire to put up a series of posts on what constitutes a perfect date and how it plays out. Unfortunately for you dear reader and me the pathetic writer, I have had very few dates and they were far from perfect so welcome to #TeamScrewPerfectDates.
I’m a guy (the last time I checked I.e just now, grabbing my balls) and I’m going to just vent on here about how frustrating dates can be especially when you expect them to go all fairy tale-like. I’m sure my brothers will feel me on this one and my cute sisters will take a cue or two.
DISCLAIMER: what you are about to read are figments of my imagination. Similarities to real life occurrences are purely coincidental. No one, I repeat NO ONE should assume or accuse the writer of first hand experience of the scenarios listed. I’m a boss! Enough Said!
So finally, I had succeeded in getting Halima to go on a date with me. I mean, if you know what I went through. The regular calls, the sending of credit (come to think of it, I was just sending her credit like a fool, who was she calling?) I had gone to visit her at work with a lunch pack and also at home on sunday after service with yet another lunch pack. It was on this occasion that I had asked if she would love to go on a date with me…
*sidebar* SelahPoint1 : can you be dating someone you haven’t gone on a date with?
Well, she said yes and my troubles began.
Ha! Halima said YES Winning!!! And then it hit me, I hadn’t thought of where I was taking her. In the period of ‘toasting’, I had bought her enough take-away stuff from most eateries, so that wasn’t gonna fly.
Meanwhile, sisters, the answer to the question “Do you want me to get you anything?” Isn’t Yes!
Actually, its a rhetorical question. Do NOT answer but if you have to, NO is what we want to hear!
*sidebar* SelahPoint 2: Guys, a date doesn’t mean let’s go and eat!
Eventually, I decided to take Halima to GET Arena, have some go – kart sessions, head over to GDC to see a movie and then crown it with dinner. It seemed like the perfect plan to sweep any girl off her feet.
D – day arrives, “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad at the end of it”. This was my quick morning prayer. I had spoken to Halima the night before and she kept referring to how she was looking forward to our ‘first date’ as if I didn’t know that she was codedly telling me “its too late to turn back now!” I hadn’t told her my plans so all was well. Being a very detailed person, I had counted the cost of this date package..let me just say that if I were to walk past any bank after this date, their security alarms would naturally be triggered..I was going to get a room at BrokeBack street. However, Halima was worth it, we would just stay away from outings till further dates (pun intended)
Finding what to wear wasn’t hard. Thank God that there really isn’t much noticeable difference with clean and dirty jeans and I had my ever reliable and Clean Polo casual shirt. Threw on my suede loafers, dabbed on my Davidoff ‘cool water’ and I was good to go. Looking like a couple thousand naira, I left my crib, I felt like I was floating with each step..ha! Halima will hear it today!
Then it hit me!
I had to go get her! Choi! This means cab fare as omo boy doesn’t have a personal car yet..here I was at Ikeja, there she was at Shomolu and we were headed to V.I. What was I thinking? Oh then again, I wasn’t thinking! This is where money begins to go and the excitement I started the day with began to dwindle.
I got to hers and you know now, she wasn’t fully ready. This means Oga Lanre (the cabbie) had to wait for a while. This wasn’t funny.
Halima stays with her family so I had to be the proper gentleman and wait in the lobby while she got ready. My mind was calculating figures, my body was figuring out calculations and interpreting the result in sweat and a heightened urge to pee. I made my way to the loo and refreshingly let go…”Ahhhh, relief”, dangled a couple of times and Zipped “AAAARRRGGGHHH” pain!
*sidebar* SelahPoint 3: Guys, always completely tuck in Mr LongJohnBlack before zipping up!
Halima looked good! Damn! Those jeans seemed like a second skin and they did flatter her assets. Her polo shirt had the first 3 buttons undone giving me a glimpse of those “ehen! Why you dey look me? I go wound your eye” boobies! X_x
Long story short, I had to part with 3k for Oga Lanre for the trip and just as I (being a gentleman) came down to open Halima’s door (It couldn’t open from inside actually), a passing danfo bus decided to zoom through a puddle of water and Voila! My jeans took on an instant polka dot design. I just smiled at Halima and said “its ok” while inside I cursed deeply.
*sidebar* SelahPoint 4: Guys, Nigerian women don’t need you to open doors for them. Except the door has ‘special’ opening methods!
Go – Karting was fun until Halima constantly rammed me off the track. Oh no! I’m a boss, you don’t do that! I rammed into her just once and..emm…her kart kinda tumbled and it just seemed like something out of the Humpty Dumpty poem. She had a small ‘coco’ on her head..I don’t think telling her it looked sexy made matters better.
Movie time and we decided to see ‘Couples Retreat’. I mean such a perfect movie for our first date. She requested for the jumbo popcorn and coke meal, choi!! My a/c balance was refreshing in my head..”this is not good” I thought to myself.
As the movie progressed, I decided to practice all I’d learnt watching movies, place your hand over her seat, draw nearer , nibble on her neck and then lean in for the kiss. I was about to lean in when I was tapped from behind “Psst…my little boy is here with me, please respect yourselves!” I turned and saw an elderly woman and her kid staring at us like my mum does when she gives you the “I’m going to mess you up today” look.
*sidebar* SelahPoint 5: Guys, ensure you seat at ‘sin zone’ if you plan on cinema mischief. SinZone is the last row of seats!
I can’t even remember what the movie was about. I was sulking throughout, watching as other couples around snuggled in to each other and stuff. Mtscheeew. Why do they allow kids into cinemas sef? And Halima just had to say “he’s such a cute kid” The little Hell spawn!
Well, I was kinda hoping that the jumbo popcorn meal will suffice for dinner so I asked as we exited the cinema, “are we still doing dinner dear?” Of course, she says. Damn! I mutter. Lucky for us, dinner was still going to be at the Palms, so I ask again “what would you like to have?” At this point, I was expecting the humble “anything” answer but NO! Halima surely wanted me to remember this date. She says “can we do chinese?”
CHINESE? Who is that? Is it a new type of jollof rice? Oh Lord! I understand how Jesus felt when He said “it is finished!”
Trying my best to make this a perfect date, I obliged, with my chin up “No problem”. We go in, sit and the menu is before us. Halima scans through and selects item no 26. I quickly scroll to the price, its 4k..My brain automatically whispers “that’s two cartons of Indomie noodles and some spaghetti” SHIT! Then she asks “aren’t you going to order?” Order ke! I flash her a smile, the waiter returns and I say “item no 26 for the lady and emm..a bottle of your coldest mineral for me thanks”
Halima did eat her full, and I somehow expertly made sure my drink lasted the whole duration of the dinner. I had excused myself to go to the ATM and she reluctantly allowed after I dropped my BlackBerry as ‘collateral’ (curve 2 is still more than 4k). My a/c balance was N6026.00, I withdrew 4k to add to the 2k I had with me.
I paid for the meal and we left. Halima linked her hand with mine as we strutted out to the car park and i felt on top of the world! We got a cab without much stress and the journey home began.
Halima was quiet all through and had her face away from me. Choi! Me that had planned to at least get some mouth action here in the backseat.
As a bad guy, I leaned in, All of a sudden, I could have sworn I heard a mini trumpet sound…and then it came again in tiny short busts. I looked at Halima, she was sweating and sitting on one butt cheek. The stench in the car would have raised Lazarus. What the hell do they put in chinese food? The car reeked of a moi moi and egg. Thank God for traffic, the driver, cursing in yoruba came out of the car, I followed suit pretending to be scanning the extent of the traffic.
No kisses, Running stomachs, Coco to the head, depleted funds, Polka dotted jeans and two embarassed people that just wanted the day to end doesn’t quite paint the picture of a perfect date, yeah?
*sidebar* SelaHpoint 6: The relationship isn’t built on the success of a date but on the comfort of both parties.
Halima and i had a lot to laugh about afterwards when we relieved the days events. It didn’t turn out how I had planned but we now know the importance of Mama Puts and simple eatery take-aways.
Dates may go the way you planned but they will always just be numbers on a calendar! The connection the people have makes the experience timeless!