Rated 1580

Good day, mortals.

I know you’re going to disagree with me, but nothing is harder than peeing with morning wood. Not even pregnancy. Trying to get the Tower Of Babel out of a jeans zipper is by far harder than any math/physics problem you’ve ever encountered.


That has nothing to do with the post. I’ve just always wanted to start with some absurd truth that nobody can disagree with for once.

Has anyone watched the movie “Anonymous”? You know, the one about Shakespeare being a fraud? Well, I’m not even here to promote, what I loved about the movie was the dialogue in Old English. This was a major inspiration to this post.

Just putting it out there… ( ._.)

This is an article I wrote for Deolu Bubble’s magazine. I’ve been a big fan of Deolu Bubble’s posts, especially the “Stories from My Duvet” 18+ section, and so when he asked me to write something for him, I knew it had to be sexual. Then he said he wanted something funny. I was at a dilemma, then I decided, “Fuck this shit, I’m a writer gaddemmit!”

So I wrote some shit.

I wonder what erotica was like back in the day. Like when they didn’t have use of the words “fuck”, ”bang”, “screw” and all those obscenities. And then the idea came to write Elizabethan erotica. ^.^ Here is what I would have written if I was born in TweetOracle’s time:


He found himself drawn to her. His thoughts dawdled to her oft at times when the diurnal was set and the crickets exchanged banter. He would retreat to his room and rouse his lumbar with liniment to images of her visage created by his imagination. He reckoned she may not be substantially riveted by his mien, but he had avowed to give it a try. And so at twilight, when the sun retreated to the shadows, and the homosexual vampires were about, good fate smiled upon him, and he was finally opportuned to indulge her in a tryst. He invited her for a rendezvous at the giant room with moving images.

With the lights dim and but a handful of people seated all the way at the obverse division of the large room, he ventured to pour out the innards of his soul to her. Attesting to how she was the very epicentre of his cosmos and how the stars shone in her eyes, and yada yada and the inoperable dribble of youth in an endeavour to lure women.

“Oh ye unintelligent lad, doth thou not know that the fair maidens of the land desire a man so stalwart as to make my fleeting heart leap from my form and beat to lands nigh yonder? Art thou oblivious of the desire of my heart?“, She had interrupted.

“I understand not what you speak of dear lass”, He said.

“Engage me in sweet coitus and bequeath unto me bliss of heights unknown. I trust your hacksaw is of significant span?”, She asked.

They couldn’t be perturbed to bolt the ingress to his abode, and as the resonance of the plethora of raindrops beating on the window panes outside attempted to engulf her loud moans and muffled yelps, he could not help but recount those night falls when he had stimulated himself.

Such a misuse of advantageous ointment…

When she lay expended in his arms, his thoughts were about the occurrences that just occurred but a few moments ago. He thought about how the beginning of her unswerving oration had interrupted the middle of his vocal rendition, how they had nigh on hastily ventured to his dwelling place, and how he could not evoke the memories of the moments when his bare chest began to make contact with hers. He could however hark back to how she had swathed her forelimbs to circumvent his neck and whispered “occupy me”, how there were silent protests in his head, and how the konji had held the fort of his better judgement.

Then he had her in his arms in one upheaval, and had transported her to the kitchen in but a few quick strides, for his inner chambers had seemed oh so far away. He had frayed her clothes off, had unfurled her hind limbs and had lapped up her juices. Then she had begged, nay pleaded with him to slide into her and he had inserted his phallus in her moggy. She had screamed his name and held on tight and begged for mercy from this stallion.
He became a brute. Yearning, craving, and demanding. And she succumbed to all his desires. He was beheld as unto one expected to never be drained of his vigour, his vitality, and he bent her and entwined her to his will. His prowess at contortion could rival that of even the greatest magicians.

And then she was down upon her knees, and she was taking his phallus in her vocal fissure. Then he gazed upon her countenance and spoke the sweet words every maiden hankered to heed:

“Fair maiden, I draw nigh unto mine acme” and then he burst his seed upon her gaze.

“You will never have need of liniment, ever again.”

And right she was…


You just gotta love Elizabethan English. Don’t be ashamed to use the dictionary, I know I did. Hope you enjoyed it. Please share what you think…


18 thoughts on “Rated 1580

  1. REALLY???? WHAT IS THIS???????? LOOOL!!!!
    Oh and you sleep with jeans on?? O_o. Your morning wood problem would be solved if you sleep naked. And Im not saying this because i watch you sleep.
    btw, your mattress is old.
    Change it.


  2. ” nay pleaded with him to slide into her and he had inserted his phallus in her moggy” – LOOOOOL!
    Btw! Has TweetOracle read this? He might have one or two things to say..


  3. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! (high-pitched scream)

    I LOVE!!!!

    Elizabethan(or wateva)) English is tha shiznit.

    P.S. Ure a Phoooooool!!!

    More of this, pls.



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