Frank Selak

 

So you think you’re bad ass eh?

*chuckles*

I have a distinct liking for people who just refuse to die; something about game recognizing game being that I am immortal and shii… However with all my immortal insurmountability, this god right here has simply refused to meet me. Almost like he wants me to write an application or something…

Now I won’t lie, I can’t even famz this dude mehn! I have never met him and even though I have tried several means to, he just by some awkward trick of nature always manages to escape me. I have flown to Zagreb, taken dangerous road trips to Križevci, gone cross country from Hrvatska Kostajnica to Garešnica and still have had no luck all in pursuit of happiness this god and every time I get some silly report that he just left and what not. I gave up on his Croatian ass in 2011.

This is a true story of Frano Selak.

In the year of our Lord 1929 BC, Frane was born and quietly lived his life disguised as a music teacher. He was well loved by pupils and teachers alike even though he always had this air of arrogance about him. Little did they know…  In 1962, at the age of 33 (same age Jesus died) his village witches decided to fork with him. They decided that he was getting too fat and that must have meant he was getting richer and so they decided in a general village witches meeting to end his life.

Hmnnn…. Issokay.

One fateful day in January, Frano was on a train from Sarajevo to Dubrovnik. Suddenly, the village witches struck and derailed the train into a river. Being that it was January and all, the river was semi frozen as it was in the middle of winter. 17 passengers lost their lives in that incident but uncle Selak survived. He actually was taken unawares by the witches at this time so he sustained injuries. A broken arm, minor scratches and bruises were his portion but he still managed to swim ashore. He went home feeling like WTF… Still unaware that the witches were responsible, he moved on. 1.

Uncle, after observing for a year and still not sure of what caused the accident a year before decided to take a short trip from Zagreb to Rijeka. Mid flight, without warning a door suddenly blew away from the cockpit of the plane. As he was blown off the plane, he chuckled….

“Potvrđeno! To može biti samo djelo mojih seoskih vještica” (Confirmed this can only be the work of the village witches), he thought to himself. So he just glided in the air the duration of the entire fall and decided to read a book while at it. He landed safely on a haystack and slept for 3 days to confuse the Croatian mortals for a bit.  The accident killed 19 people,  Bros had only minor injuries. 2.

The village witches were like WTF? Is this nigga Jesus? (little did they know) They decided to give it some time. Thinking that he would forget. Their next strike took a while. Forward to 1966, 3 years later, while travelling on a bus that crashed and plunged into a river, he survived and didn’t even get wet.  There were four people dead, but not surprisingly, Selak managed to escape unharmed.  My guy just walked on water and ate the cupcakes his wife had baked for him while “ntoining” the wizard they sent on the assignment. 3. Croatia still didn’t take note…

Village witches can stubborn! You would’ve thought they’d give up but nope! These demons attempted to kill him the 4^th time o! This time they decided to attack him not when travelling, but when driving himself in his local abode. Four years later in 1970, Selak was driving along when, all of a sudden, his car caught fire. He drove the car off the road, parked a reasonable distance away from innocent bystanders before exiting like a boss, just as the car fuel tank exploded. 4.

 

The village witches sacked their president after that and appointed a new one.

Three years later, in 1973 another of Selak’s cars caught fire, blowing flames through the air vents. To his greater dismay, Selak lost most of his hair. 5. This new witch president was very powerful it seemed so Frank sent her a letter. He packed the ashes of his burnt hair and mailed it to her in the village.  Three days after opening the mail, she developed acute diarrhea and shat everything shittable.  By the seventh day of shitting, she began to shit raw meat.  By the 10^th day, she had successfully set the world record for the only woman to successfully shit her own intestines. Her soul still shits in the afterlife I heard… L

The village witches chilled the fuck out afterwards yo! Who wouldn’t?

Fast forward to 1995, My brother Fran was crossing a busy street in Zagreb after drinking 3 drums of local Croatian brew. He was not drunk, a drunken bus driver ran into him. 6. Fran escaped as usual unhurt and without any scratches. Below is a picture of the bus.

 

The village witches released a press statement absolving them of all responsibility for the latest incident.

Boss.

The following year 1996, while driving through a mountain road, Selak drove off a guardrail to escape an oncoming truck and landed on a tree to watch his car explode 300 feet below. 7. Now you know where that Vin Diesel nigga got all his inspiration from.

Now to prove his badassnessity, my main gee Frano Selak did the seemingly impossible again. At the ripe age of 74, he bought his first lottery ticket in forty years and won the million dollar Croatian lottery. I didn’t mention in this article that he was married to four women previously and was currently seeing a fifth woman. He intended to marry for the fifth time and eventually did. After winning the money, he was quoted thus: “I am going to enjoy my life now, I feel like I have been reborn. I know God was watching over me all these years.” (Hehehe… this god right here)

 

I’m Frank Selak. Who are you?

However, in 2010, he did the most awesome thing ever. He sold his luxury home on a private island, gave away his fortune to family and friends and moved back to his modest home in Petrinja, which is south of Zagreb, in the centre of the country.

He kept the last bit of his winnings for a hip replacement operation so he could enjoy life with his wife and also so he could build a shrine to the Virgin Mary to give thanks for his luck.

Now who’s bad? Micheal Jackson?

 

Money ain’t a thing