It’s a crazy world out there and it gets crazier as days pass. In the words of the i-don’t-have-power-to-think-up-a-name-so-I’m-just-going-to-use-my-initials-and-name-myself-after-a-popular-packed-powdered-juice fellow aka Naeto-C, “things are not the same.” Are you already wondering what today’s rant is about? Wonder no more. Or then again, wonder for a bit more. Did you know that wondering has a way of kick-starting the neurons in your brain thus making your brain more receptive and stimulated for comprehending purposes? You didn’t. I didn’t too. But now we do. I lie. I did.
Anyway, I’d written something in time past titled zoned where I talked about the friendzone and how to possibly get out of it. Bone o! You know how they say it’s he that wears the shoes that knows where it hurts? Men, my feet ache so much right now, the pain is unbearable. While i thought that I was the untouchable Don of the friendzone, being able to break out of it faster than Scofield in fox river, it suddenly hit me that I was in some far more annoying zones. I mean, what is really going on? What happened to the days when as a guy, you were either the boyfriend, the threat or the best friend. Now it’s hard to even know where you stand with the amount of zones that exist. You’ll be there thinking you’re making progress not knowing you’re the hamster on the wheel running but going nowhere.
My fellow men, Change comes when we realise that there is a problem. The change we seek is NOW, this day, this moment; we can decide to do nothing or stand up and forever alter the course of the male specie world over. YES WE CAN! Haha..did you read that in Obamaic voice? You didn’t? Oya go back..wait! let me save you the stress…
My fellow men, Change comes when we realise that there is a problem. The change we seek is NOW, this day, this moment; we can decide to do nothing or stand up and forever alter the course of the male specie world over. YES WE CAN! Hehe…there you go. Alright so what we shall do today is EXPOSE some of these zones so you can see the signs and clearly avoid them before it gets too late. We already know about the friendzone so we’ll skip that.
1. Driver zone: You are the guy with the car, She is the one you bought the car for abi? Why are you such a dosgbe like this? You’ve told her how much you like her, have taken her to the movies, dinner everywhere, you have even asked her out and she said “No” yet she pings you..”Mukaila, I’m at shoprite and I have all these bags to carry. Are you anywhere around?” You mumu, you will not say No instead you’ll say “kai! You must be tired, do I buy some snacks and drinks on my way?” You’ll now do kabu-kabu from Dopemu to VI. When will you realise that you are just a cab man (who doesn’t get paid)? You should add that to your CV.
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2. Study partner zone: For my people in school, I’m sure this is quite popular, you are the guy that calls her at midnight to remind her to start jacking, you are the one to check in to ensure she is jacking not sleeping, sometimes sef, you both get MTN lines so you can stay on the phone from 12:30 to 5am (free call time) jacking together. Know what you are? JACK of all trades, master of None. Oh! You heard she’s sapiosexual, attracted to intelligent people so this is your ace card? Nigga, there’s a better chance Jim iyke wins a Grammy. Oh and if you have to follow her to class, read and then walk her back home and YOU ARE NOT THE BOYFRIEND, please drop your man card here.
3. Leenda ikayji zone: In this world where information is power, no one wants to be left behind. Now you’ve constantly stalked out this chic, followed her on twitter, facebook, linkedIn, tumblr, MySpace, even on the Mavin site sef, still aunty no gree for you. However whenever something is happening, babygirl DMs/pings you real quick “dude, what did Breezy do to Drizzy?” Face it my brother, you are in the Leenda Ikayji zone. The zone where you stay steady being the source of information and gist. And you know the painful part? Like the person the zone is named after, you get no love even if you wear a suit in your avatar.
4. Go-to-guy zone: This is somewhat similar yet different from the Leenda Ikayji zone, Unlike the latter, you are not the source of gist or information but the guy who knows how to get things done. You you’re there falling in love with her and thinking she likes you because you’re the first person she calls when her laptop stops working. She’s like “I was skyping with my boo and then it just crashed, shey you can fix it?” and your sorry ass is like “Oh my! Are you ok tho? I shall come (with my own money), pick it up, leave (with my own money) and fix it (with my own money). All you get when it’s done is “Thank you” and maybe some boob to chest action when she hugs you. And you console yourself with “you know what they say about half bread…” SHUT UP! THIS IS NOT HALF BREAD! HALF BREAD IS MAKING OUT!!! THIS IS …AAAARGGHHH..
*observes calm down*
5. In case of emergency zone: Now lastly, this one is quite dicey because it seems like it has some sort of benefit. Here, you are not exactly the backup plan but you are one of the options. Don’t gerrit twisted. Let’s see, you’re like the 3rd choice goalkeeper at an international tournament. You know this means the probability of you getting any action is like ZERO (considering the amount of matches to be played). You are the guy she hollers when her boo is out of town, the assistant boyfriend is with his girlfriend, her FWB are benefiting charity somewhere and she has run out of batteries for her vibrator. Did I see you smile and hear you say “ehn, this one is half bread?” Don’t get excited, she doesn’t need you to replace the vibrator, she needs you to replace the batteries.
I’m sure by now you must have recognized yourself in one of these major zones, maybe in more than one sef. There are still others like the “he cooks the best beans so I bring the bread” zone, “favorite attendant zone” etc. The keys to getting out of these zones are basically simple but they begin with giving yourself some brain and accepting reality. Stop falling the hands of men like us worldwide. If you are not getting any ‘hits’ move out of the kitchen nigga. *wipes eye brown and bants eye latches*
Alrighty then, I’m sure there’s more zones than I have listed. I am not ashamed to say that I have been in these zones at some point afterall, confession is the first step to salvation. We are here to expose the vices of the enemy, Brethren, do not be shy to share your testimonies. Sisters, reveal to us the zones the enemy has been using you in as an agent. Do drop your offerings’ in the comment section. The lord bless you as you do so.