Naik Bishnu Shrestha

Plan

Go to war.

Kill the idiots.

Come back home.

Rest.

That was the plan…

Steps 1 and 2 went on fine. And so as Bishnu Shrestha was going home on the 2^nd of December, 2010, the last thing on this Nepalese (ex) soldier’s mind was getting into another fight halfway home. The 35 year old veteran had just returned and retired from his position as Naik (the Nepalese equivalent of Corporal) in the 7^th battalion of the 8^th Gurkha Infantry (basically famous for peeing liquid steel and killing their enemies with their eyeballs), a unit where Bishnu’s own father had served during the Vietnam war. Obviously, the dude came from a balls-out line of warriors, and probably fought a lot of classified wars where he had to evaporate a lot of people with his mind, and fuck up their equipment with his sheer manly essence… Now, after spending a couple years at the war front (cos only bitch niggas stay behind during a fight), at Iran, Pakistan, and the cosmos fighting for the universe, he was finally planning to retire, and probably do some other minor stuff like tutor a boy to crush bones with his middle and index fingers. But see, trouble always seems to find a man looking for peace.

On this good evening, he was riding the Maurya Express, (named after the legendary badass Chandragupta Maurya), just looking out the window and thinking about his future when around midnight, the train stopped suddenly, and while everyone was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, some passengers on the train stood up and whipped out some heavy artillery, guns, knives, bayonets, swords (these guys are obviously gangsta. Have you ever been robbed with a sword before? Samurai Jack on them hoes), and they were waving big sticks in the air, going all:

“Nobody move! It’s a stick up!”

Pretty sure you would piss in your pants. I would…

As if the sticks and the frightening samurais weren’t enough, some people started swinging out with ropes from inside the woods, on some Tarzan flow and getting into the train, ripping the heck off these poor passengers. Taking their wallets, tearing jewellery off the necks of filthy rich old women, and just generally increasing the smell of ammonia (from dudes pissing in their pants) on the train.

Bishnu was pretty calm all through all of this. He just sat there, saying nothing, and waiting for his turn to get ripped off. You’re probably thinking he was gonna slit the throat of any man that dared ask him for his shit, but when his turn came, he quietly handed his effects over like the badass he was. He was probably thinking

“Just give them what they want, they’ll take it, leave, and I get to go home safe to some good pussy…”

If only…

The dumb ass fucks, oblivious to the fact that there were standing right next to a 1^st class, ape-shit, bloodthirsty veteran, decided that even though they had basically cleaned out the pockets of the family beside him, they were also going to go ahead and be the utter spawn-of-Hades and rape their 18-year old daughter. While they were nursing erections and preparing to do the ABSU, Bishnu was fighting the urge to keep the Hulk under control.

He lost.

Just as the leader of the scum was about to get his Satisfied Customer flow on and slip her the tip, Bishnu leapt the fuck to his feet, did a triple back flip and a barrel roll, and grabbed the assailant by the hair while hanging upside down. In confusion and in a daze, the leader tried to scramble to his feet but Bishnu had his head (no guys…his other head) in a sleep chokehold. One of the other assailants, afraid to fuck up his own boss, tried to kill the girl and her parents. Of course Bishnu wasn’t having any of that manly shit. He sent his kukri (a knife, which coincidentally is Nepalese for “Will Fuck You Up”) and it ended up in the backbone of the bitch niccuh.

It was a sad fact, for the other dudes who tried to run out of the coach and warn the others that there was a total badass on board, that Bishnu knew mind control. After making them see the worst images their depraved minds could possibly concoct, they simply slumped to their death.

Unfortunately for the douche bags of West Bengal, when the thugs had robbed Bishnu they’d made one fatal mistake: They didn’t take his kukri. This ultra-hardass Gurkha warrior, one in a long line of head-cleaving soldiers battle-hardened by centuries of hand-to-hand combat (and a steady diet of steel tacks and the corpses of their slain enemies), had given up his money, but knew better than to ever relinquish his weapon. Having killed the terrorists in his coach, he went on to the rest of the train to get his blood lust quenched.

Over the next twenty minutes, Binshu raced through the other carriages slowing down time, exerting all his manly awesomeness, growing a beard, and generally killing the robbers armed with a weapon just a little longer than a fucking ball point pen. With nobody to warn them, the robbers were unaware that there was a fucking psycho in their path. (Do not see what I did there). He took on the entire train, 40 men at once. When you are called upon to bench press to a hundred, you whine like a lil’ bitch, but this here nigga took on three dozen and four bitch niccuhs. Jason Statham would have been so proud.

At a point during his Mortal Kombat against the forces of evil, one of the lucky robbers took a swipe at Bishnu and severed every major vein and artery in Bishnu’s arm. But the Sensei kept on going like a real nigga, blinding them with the scourging blood from his arm and with the glory of his awesomeness before stabbing them in the eye.

When these low-life scoundrels realized there was really no hope for them, they dropped their weapons, turned around, and fled into the woods like the female dogs they were. Didn’t take a genius to know who won that fight. In 20 minutes, Bishnu had saved 40 gold necklaces, 200 cell phones, 40 laptops, and nearly $10,000 in stolen cash.

As Bishnu held the fort and got rid of the bitch niggas, the train pulled up to its next station and the police were able to ‘rescue the victims’. (Yeah, after Corporal Shrestha had done 99.999% of the fucking work) He was rushed to a hospital to be treated for the injuries on his arm.

“Really guys, It’s just a scratch. I can still whoop some ass”

When Bishnu got home, he was temporarily unretired from the service so they could don him with a promotion and two medals for bravery. His former unit also awarded him with a presumably-righteously-looking silver-plated kukri. Of course he was given the bounty of the notorious bitch niggas he had captured, and then was given free plane and train tickets for life. I’m guessing they thought:

“Fuck those damn airport security and those fucking metal detectors. Get this guy on as many flights as possible for free!”

In the end, like a true super hero when offered a gift from the parents of the girl he saved, he refused it. The ultimate badass. In his words, “Fighting the enemy in battle is my duty as a soldier.  Taking on the thugs on the train was my duty as a human being”.

What have you done with your life?