The year is 1879. Wolverine has just been injected with Adamantium and has run amok, killing niggas while butt naked and then fleeing the lab like a lil’ bitch. Twenty Nine years go by, and there is still some leftover Adamantium left, and Stryker goes, “what am I gonna do with all this Adamantium?”
Enter Lieutenant Colonel John Malcolm Thorpe Fleming “Jack” Churchill, DSO & Bar, MC & Bar, nicknamed “Fighting Jack Churchill” and “Mad Jack”. Stryker was unable to put the Adamantium to good use, and he just decided, let’s give it to this dude. So they injected what was left in his testicles.
That’s right people. Lieutenant Colonel John Malcolm Thorpe Fleming “Jack” Churchill had balls of Adamantium.
Fun Fact: Every time you think of the words “Jack Churchill”, a superhero shits himself. I kid you not. Now think of how many of you just thought of the words “Jack Churchill”.
Do you smell that? Yeah. Superman just took a crap in his super cape.
Because of this awesome fact, we will not utter the words “Jack Churchill” (oh shit!) anymore in this post. We shall simply call him “Mad Jack”.
Introducing, Lieutenant Colonel John Malcolm Thorpe “Mad Jack” Fleming Churchill. Born 16 September 1906 and allegedly died 8 March 1996 but we all know that this is false cos Mad Jack is immortal. Mad Jack was a British soldier who fought throughout World War II armed with a longbow, arrows and a Scottish broadsword. He once said “any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly armed.”
You do understand that this was at a time when submachine guns, machine guns, and rifles were in use. Mad Jack went with arrows and a fucking sword.
Mad Jack fell from the sky, and landed in Hong Kong. So for record purposes, he was born in Hong Kong. We will not bore you with his history, because we have already stated how he got his balls.
During the Second World War, Mad Jack resumed his commission after Poland was invaded. In May 1940, Mad Jack and his unit, the Manchester Regiment, ambushed a German patrol near L’Epinette, France. Jack gave the signal to attack by cutting down the enemy Sergeant Feldwebel with his barbed arrows, which he shot with his mind, hereby becoming the only known British soldier to have felled an enemy with a longbow in the course of the war. After fighting at Dunkirk, he volunteered for the Commandos, unsure of what Commando duty entailed, but was interested simply because it sounded dangerous.
Churchill, because of his sheer humility, was second in command of No. 3 Commando in Operation Archery, a raid on the German garrison at Vågsøy, Norway on 27 December 1941. As the ramps fell on the first landing craft, Churchill leapt forward from his position and slowed down time so he could play a tune on his bagpipes, before throwing a grenade and running into battle to kill all the enemies before the grenade landed. He then caught the grenade and kept in his boxers just to test if the Adamantium was still working. For his actions at Dunkirk and Vågsøy, Churchill received the Military Cross and Bar.
In July 1943, as commanding officer, he led 2 Commando from their landing site at Catania in Sicily with his trademark Scottish broadsword slung around his waist and a longbow and arrows around his neck and his bagpipes under his arm. This was again repeated at the landings at Salerno. Leading 2 Commando, Churchill was begged by his ‘commander’ to capture a German observation post outside of the town of La Molina controlling a pass leading down to the Salerno beach-head. Of course he obliged, humble Jack. He led the attack by 2 and 41 Commandos, infiltrating the town and capturing the post, taking 42 prisoners including a mortar squad, and controlling all these people with his subconscious.
In 1944, he led the Commandos in Yugoslavia and murdered about 60 men by blinking. In May that year, he was begged to raid the German held island of Brač. He organised a motley army of 1,500 Partisans, 43 Commando and one troop from 40 Commando for the raid. The following morning, one flanking attack was launched by 43 Commando with Mad Jack leading the elements from 40 Commando. The Partisans remained at the landing area. Only Churchill, and six others whom he carried on one shoulder while his bagpipes were slung across the other, managed to reach the objective. A mortar shell killed or wounded everyone but Churchill (duh?), who was playing “Will Ye Not Come Back Again and Get Some o’ This Asswhooping, Bitch Niccuhs?” (a common spiritual of his),on his pipes as the Germans advanced. Records would say that he was knocked unconscious by grenades and captured. But Mad Jack is immortal. After he killed about half their men with his butt cheeks, he then pretended to be unconscious so he could be captured and destroy them from inside. He was later flown to Berlin for interrogation and then transferred to Sachsenhausen concentration camp. When he had enough, he entered a fit of rage and killed everyone with garlic breath he had gotten from the previous night’s meal.
As the Pacific War was still on-going, Churchill was sent to Burma, where the largest land battles against Japan were still raging, but by the time he reached India, Hiroshima and Nagasaki had been bombed, and the war abruptly ended. Churchill told me during one of our numerous mountain trips that he was very unhappy with the sudden end of the war, saying:
“If it wasn’t for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years. I coulda killed them all meself.”
After World War II ended, records stated that Churchill qualified as a parachutist, transferred to the Seaforth Highlanders, and later ended up in Palestine as second-in-command of 1st Battalion, the Highland Light Infantry. Ha! Silly mortals… Churchill could fly. He didn’t need no parachute. He later served as an instructor at the land-air warfare school in Australia, where he became a passionate devotee of the surfboard. Back in England, he was the first man to ride the River Severn’s five-foot tidal bore and designed his own board. While men slept however, he used to go out and practice his moonwalk on water. He also indulged in extra-curricular activities such as juggling whales, using the teeth of sharks to scratch his balls, and having late night snacks with Poseidon. In retirement, his eccentricity continued. He startled train conductors and passengers by throwing his attaché case out of the train window each day on the ride home. He later explained that he was tossing his case into his own back garden so he wouldn’t have to carry it from the station. Why?
Cos he’s Jack Churchill…
He finally retired from the army in 1959, with two awards of the Distinguished Service Order, and faked his death at home in Surrey in 1996.
Jack Churchill lives on. Fuck that shit… Isn’t that right Jack?