Alexis Goggins

Alexis Goggins is the person we should all look up to and try to emulate. She is my hero whether I admit it or not.

                -Martin Luther King’s Bodyguard 3, Rtd.

Alexis Goggins is the greatest human that ever lived, and though she’s currently barely a teenager, I want to be like her when I grow up.

                -Tupac’s bodyguard 1, Rtd.

Alexis Goggins is a boss. I love her and I wish I had balls like her.

                -Jack Bauer.

Y’all niggas are gay.

                -Alexis Goggins.

I know you’re all wondering what the hype is about this precious little niggling, but when you hear the story behind her bravery and her selflessness, you’ll be peeing yourself, and getting all emotional and making new year resolutions and shit… So before we start, let’s give you a little background on Alexis Goggins here.

In the year of our Lord, the year one thousand nine hundred and twenty seven and four score, (2007 for those who prefer not to be confused), a 7 year old girl was hailed as the “Angel from Heaven”


Cos she may have forgotten her wings, but she’s still pretty much twice as awesome.

So this here is what happened. Alexis got a mom, like all other angels that come on earth and act like humans, a 30 year old named Selietha Parker, and her mom got a boyfriend, like all other moms who ain’t exactly married, a 29 year old named Calvin Tillie, and the boyfriend was a douchebag of douchebags, like all other douchebags that exist, but worse.

What we think happened

Now we don’t know what might have happened between them, we suspect that Selietha had taken Calvin to go pick up her paycheck, and since Calvin was an ex-felon, he probably wanted to spend her entire salary on new tattoos and more Ed Hardy shirts, but Selietha was like “Fuck it! I gotta buy Brazilian hair and pay for my child’s fees and shit” and Calvin was like “No! Ed Hardy got this new Christian Audigier limited douchebag collection and I don’t want to miss it! I gots to get the damn shirt goddammit! Gimme some o’ dat money!”

And they went back and forth like that and little Alexis was just at the back going “Really guys, I just want to go home and watch the re-runs of Spongebob Squarepants”.

Now Selietha stops for gas, and Calvin is so pissed that he won’t be able to have his Ed Hardy shirts, so he whips out a gun like a bitch nigga and aims for Selietha. This is when Little Alexis looks up from playing Super Mario Bros on her Game Boy Advance and jumps in between the bitch ass niccuh, and her mom blocking the path. Calvin, being the bitch ass, scum-of-the-earth pussy he is, went ahead and pumped 6 bullets into the poor girl.

I just wanna say, that Alexis Goggins be bad as fuck, y’all niggas out here trippin, that lil’ shawty took 6 shots to the head and didn’t even trip. Y’all better be ashamed o’ yo selves out here tryna start beef when lil’ gurls be runnin’ round the street taking bullets. Y’all are bitch ass niggas for real. Thank you.

Alexis could probably have died from the shots she received, but then she remembered that they were showing re-runs of SpongeBob so she decided to live.

After she found reason to live, she got off the car floor and whooped Calvin’s ass with a massive crunch kick to the balls and a roundhouse to the eye. Followed swiftly by several slaps to the head, a head clap giving a ringing effect to the ears, and a major badass uppercut to finish it off. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof:

“I can’t even hear shit… WHAT?”

Bitch niggas will be whipped.

-Alexis Goggins I.

This is a joke, but Alexis actually got shot, trying to save her mother. The real story is even more interesting. Here’s what actually happened: Alexis Goggins

Now, I don’t know about you, but except I’m getting paid heavily, I’m not jumping in front of a bullet for anyone. Shit, if I can jump, then so can you! Get out the way. But Alexis; pure, kind hearted, sweet, bullet proof skinned, protector-of-the-brethren Alexis, jumped between her mother and her assailant, consumed 6 bullets and prevented her from death.

I don’t even know what to say. I’m awestruck. Long live Alexis!

You bitch niggas that run when you see a flying cockroach need to grow a pair of balls! Pfft!


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