Commen8urrs

“Please Read and RT…”

A very popular line we see around these parts. Infact, i’m sure a lot of you saw this instruction before proceeding on here. Whether you actually do help the cause is another cool story altogether but that’s not why we are here. You see, Ladies and Gentlemen, today we shall be doing some serious soul searching. Yes. Shit is serious. Based on the amount of Patients we have checked into TSC recently, it’s only natural that we embark on this exercise for the sake of my sanity. Yes I’m running mad. You wanna know who’s driving me bollocks? Oh! How nice. Wait for it, Wait for it *drumrolls* Keep waiting…

Your regular blogger

Blogsville is a very selfish place, a place filled with bloggers with inflated egos, people who think they have something to say and subject you to reading it. They come on here and force their ideologies and shit down your throats as if some of you don’t have enough being rammed down your throats already. Some of them on here are as lame as my attempt to insert a witty metaphor in this space, yet they keep at it, killing us softly with their already dead attempted ‘humourical’ posts. There are those ones that do a very good job at sending us to sleep with their poetic pieces. (This would have been welcome if only they posted them at 9/10pm not during work hours). Arrgggh…the story tellers, i think this place must be some Nollywood training ground ‘cos i can’t for the life of me understand why i should be subjected to reading some bleh story. And believe me when i say that we are entertained to bleh on bleh on bleh here. Those ones who think they are experts at passing salt, the ones who have problems with their barber, the ones that don’t wear socks, the ashawo ones, the clowns…*sigh*™ the list is endless.

The truth is bitter, Alomo (Ice Prince see what you’ve caused?) Well, someone has gotta speak it and that’s me. The reason these people have a voice is Y O U!!! Yes you, with your hand on that down arrow key, mouse or Trackpad. You staring at this screen, looking at this word..this WORD! Yes YOU!!!

You thought for a bit i was going to do some Blogger bashing? Nah we don’t do that here. Today we shall celebrate YOU, dear commenter.  I shall attempt to give honour to whom honour is due because i’m nice like that. Just look through and search for which category of commenters you fall into.

THE FUTURE LIARS:  Its sad that we were raised in times where much importance was attached to titles and achievements, This is responsible for the mad crave for recognition in society. This madness has crept in here. A lot of you (not me sha) will have kids and use the “when i was your age, i always came first” line.

FIRST?

I understand that Blogs afford you the opportunity to at least come first in your life (apart from those that always CUM first). More grease to your left hand or as the case may be, more bandwidth speed to your modem. We like the idea sha, at least, it increases the number of comments we have. But remember “one day the first will be the…” Yeah.

THE RETARDS:  Relax abeg, na say i call you retard dey make you vex? You tink say dem never call Wizkid retard before? Park well abeg. Yes so you belong to this group if all you say in the comments section is  “LOL” like WTF??? No SERIOUSLY, you left what you were doing previously to read a blog post and all you can say is ‘lol’ Shey you know we all use ‘lol’ and most of the time, our face is set in stone like that Aziga guy on MTN project fame.

Oh my! wrong picture…that’s not him. Hold on a sec…

i couldn't find a stern picture

Anyway, you get my drift. “lol’ is a lazy man’s comment and it really means “i can’t really process any smart thing to say here so i might as well just type lol and get to stepping.” This behavior was learnt and perfected on Social Networks where lol became the easiest way to avoid conversations before the (Y) smiley took over. Lol, LMAO and other such acronyms are NOT tolerated on here. if you can’t type a full sentence then GTFOH!!!

THE ADVERTISERS: These guys come into your posts with little or nothing to say. they are peddlers of links or selling some ware or the other. Notable amongst them include Mallams selling Zobo, Girls selling Sprite, carpenters distributing seats, Lastma and area boys selling parking space etc. They are a necessary evil and you can trust them to show up when things get heated up. The link peddlers are however Blogsville Houseboys and girls ready to provide more information concerning the topic(s) being discussed. They don’t have anything to say o, they will just come and advertise their link..’ Click here’ , this is the link—> http://www.yesimjobless.com/so?

The Mallam peddling his Zobo

THE ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT: Ok, now these ones are a special lot. i tend to call them the nerds. As far as i’m concerned, they are failed or attempting lecturers seeking recognition on blogs. (hopefully, the English HOD of some school will stumble upon their comments and seek them for employment.) They are skilled in the art of tatafo thus bringing me to the accurate conclusion that they have at one time or the other lived in face-me- i -face- you ville. These guys come into posts to count paragraphs, detect gbagauns and grammatical errors. they also have the ability to tell you what the story should have been like because they have the original manuscripts stored in their brain. They are like insects that prey on you at night, sapping your strength and all. What these guys might not realise though, is that, their regular visits to these blogs show some form of loyalty, like a drug that they can’t stay away from.In subtle words, they are secret fans, they just don’t know it yet…or maybe they do.

Can a praying Mantis be Atheist?

THE FAILED BLOGGERS: *sigh*™ These ones are the problems we have in our country today. Just as every Nigerian can coach our football team with their mouths, these guys can make or mar a post with their keypads. They are failed bloggers because  i don”t know whether they are unaware that blogger apps are free. they will come and write epistles in the comment sections. Their own theory will be longer than the subject discussed. Some will tell you how their Aunts and Uncles had bla bla bla and how bla bla became black sheep. The worst part is, when they’re done, They will apologise for “the long comment” when they can spare us the torture and just delete the rubbish. Most times they yarn balls but hey we asked for a comment so ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯.

THE WORST: These ones are the carriers of the Most dreaded word in the whole blogsville. They have the hottest parts of Hades reserved for them for this major cruelty to mankind which they so easily display on the regular. These are the guys who go to the comment box and type “Nice”

N to the fucking Ice?!? I sit my butt down and type some brain wrecking, butt aching stuff and you come on here and tell me ‘nice? You would be better off forcing me to Lip Lock with Kenneth Okonkwo. What?!? Let me tell you what nice means. Nice means:

i got the link you tweeted at me and i opened the blog. i saw it was a story, a loooong story (i scrolled down quickly). i realised i wasn’t going to read it so since i’m already down here, i figured i might as well just comment. i can’t lol because i don’t know if its a funny post or not so i’ll just play safe and type ‘nice’ so that you’ll know i was here and its real.

You know what happen to 9ice people? You don’t? Ok o..rather than say ‘nice’ please, abeg just click ‘like’ on the post. It registers your unimportant presence (pls o I’m being sarcastic, but of course)

So yeah, you all fall into one or more of these categories. feel free to identify yourself in the comment section below. i know there’s one more category which is the obviously sensible ones but that’s not why we are here. Good guys cum last..booyah..Truth is though, you guys are the reasons we stay on here. Yes Bloggers can say that they write because they love the art but who’s a Musician without his audience? Who’s a sportsman without the spectators? Who’s a D’banj without a Don Jazzy? I really want to appreciate all of you who take out time to Read and actually comment, no matter the category you belong. You make the journey worthwhile for us. On behalf of every Blogger, i say…

*scene changes, disco and spotlights come on. Its Sirkastiq doing the MJ crotch grab and moving waist up and down* cue in Theme song*

i’m just an Oliver,(3x) Oliver Twist…Lebete, lebete,lebete,…Labata, labata, labata…Zebede, zebede, zebede

Pls keep commenting. thanks Signed: Bloggers.