OuterViews III

*walks into recording studio furiously having upper and lower teeth conversations with the unlucky piece of what was once a ram* Keeps chewing irritatingly…attempts to talk with mouth full (no luck)* signals producer to ‘hold on’*…*licks fingers, all five of them, then wipes mouth with back of palm*

Eid Mubarak my brothers and sisters..*looks at other piece of meat in hand* You know what, @xoAFRO will just host you guys today. I can’t. *kisses meat*

Laugh wherever you see Laugh

NB: anywhere you see #LAUGH, kindly insert the fake sitcom laughter so that our audience would think that the show is actually funny. Thank you!

“On the screen, it’s xoAFROoooo!!!”

#LAUGH

*Walks in with typing exclamation marks (Levi’s ex-girlfriend skinnies) and rocking my CAPSLOCKS  (high tops),  spacebar mode of course! (shirtless)*

Before we get on with today’s Night of a thousand yimus, what did the fractured femur say to the spinal cord?

“Back when I was broke, yo!”

#LAUGH

*Dodges silk panties and brassieres being tossed on stage*

Gentlemen, please, you can like to keep those Classic knickers^TM  on, thank you!

Today we shall keep it as fluid as possible.  #LAUGH. After all It’s The SirKastiq Center’s OuterViews show and you know what to expect. Terdoh you can pass the free tubes of lube around now and no, you don’t have to go naked to get gifts here *Hi5s Kelvin*#LAUGH

Get on, shall we?

On the show today shall be a selection of Nigerian entertainers, the popular ones. Put your hands together as we welcome… *You there clapping, did I tell you to clap?* #LAUGH. Yes, we have  D’Banj,  Davido, Duncan Mighty, Ice Prince, and we shall be asking them all the questions we’ve always wanted to ask, those questions that came to mind after we listened to their songs and had  a ??? moment.

Leggo!

“So, err, it seems all of you have been creating your own sounds of late; I would not say the sounds are meaningless because they might in fact obfuscate very ‘otionic’ nuggets of wisdom that even get Johnny ‘Depth’ in a tidy fix. We’d start with you D’Banj. What is Lebete?”

“I’m D’Banj, my Jamaican friends call me…”

Dont ask me, i dont know where my Harmonica is

“Skibanj? I think we’ve heard that too many times, can you answer the question please?” #LAUGH

“Lebete is…  when you lay… X_O”

**For future references, kindly Refer to X_O as the ‘Help me! I am dizzy’ look

“Since SkiBanj appears to be rolling in the deep, err, Davido, what exactly does ‘ah na na na na ni na ni nooo’ in your new single, Dami duro, mean?

What the fuck is Ijo Shina Rambo? The way the body of the victims of the retired armed robbery legend shook violently when he punctured it with bullets?”

“X_O”

#LAUGH

“Wikipedia says Shina Rambo is actually a pastor now so I guess Ijo Shina Rambo might be a more spiritual sort of gyration. I think we should move on to other things. Errr, there are some interesting concepts we’ve also found in your music, all of you. We shall start with you Duncan Mighty.

I'm a Port-Harcourt militant...

In your song, I don’t give a shot, you suggested that the behind of a woman can shoot a catapult and blow peanuts, some kalaku too, whatever that means. Can you kindly explain how all these things are possible? Peanut producing booties are sort of rare where I’m from”

“X_O”

#LAUGH

“Does anybody know what they’re singing about at all? What of you Ice Prince?

Feeling my superstar? No?

In your song, Juju, you claimed to be the milk in the game, and I quote, ‘No tea, homie’. We shall ignore that a Chocolate City representative has some Lipton when no one is looking and we shall also ignore that you ended a lot of lines on that album with exclamations of ‘man ‘and ‘homie’ (although that made us quite uneasy).  The question really is where is milk needed in the game? Which game needs milk? I’ve actually never seen anyone pour a jug of milk on a Ludo board?”

“X_O”

#LAUGH

“Okay, Ice Prince, this should be easier, in your song Magician, your lines are quoted this ‘You dey make my head pop champagne; Imma vote for you girl like campaign’, can you please explain the logic behind those lines? How a head pops champagne? How one can vote during a campaign?”

“Your head can pop champagne.”

“How?”

Ice Prince: “You’re a guy, you should know which head I’m referring to”

#LAUGH

“But we have ladies in the audience?”

Ice Prince: “They should ask the guys”

“Fair enough, but what of the voting-campaign riddle?”

“X_O”

#LAUGH

“While you’re still thinking up an answer, Ice Prince you also rapped and I quote ‘I just want a piece of that potion’. How exactly can one get a piece of a potion? The logic defeats us all. Can one use a chainsaw to rip apart the contents of a cup of agbo?”

“X_O”

#LAUGH

“That should be all for today, we thank you all for tuning in. We also encourage you to buy original copies of their albums because riddles are good for the mind. Original copies oh! All of you stealing a hundred and fifty Naira….  X_O  Really!!! ”

“Err, can the medical team come with stretchers so they can carry these entertainers out to reboot them?”

#LAUGH

Till next time, on the screen, it’s xoAFROoooo!!!”