OuterViews II

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the first sequel of the Outerviews. I am Terdoh BenFranklin, standing in for Sirkastiq. Saka stepped on many toes last week, causing the Prof to dabaru his career, so he couldn’t make it today. We are currently saving money to buy cardboard so we can tender his problem for a solution to be proferred.
Nonetheless, the show must go on. So today, we have in the house, the one and only Col. Muammar al-Quaddafi.

*face pops up on skype screen*

*crowd gasps*

Quaddafi: Who are all these people? I thought this was supposed to be a sex chat room. This was not the plan. You are a man of your word Kelvin. I’m disappointed.

Terdoh: Kelvin is not here sir. He is backstage tendering to his enlarged phallus. Sir Gaddafi, Can you kindly tell us where you are presently?

Quaddafi: What did you call me?

Terdoh: Sir Gaddafi sir…

Quaddafi: That’s not my name. Walahi what is this?? First there are no male virgin strippers, and now they can’t get my name?

Terdoh: Could you help us out with the spelling sir?

Quaddafi: C-O-L. Q-A-D-D-A-P-I. Col. Guaddafi.

Terdoh: o_O What tribe are you from?

Quaddafi: I’m hausa ko. Hagane.

Terdoh: Wait. You’re not even Libyan?

Quaddafi: No. But the plastic surgeon did a good job making me look Michael Jacksoney. We thank Allah.

Terdoh: Sir, you didn’t answer my question.

Quaddafi: Which is?

Terdoh: Where are you reaching us from?

Quaddafi: Oh! Hawaii, damburoba.

Terdoh: Is that what they call that compartment in hell?

Quaddafi: Hell? Toh, so you think I’m dead?

Terdoh: We saw a video sir.

Quaddafi: With the bitch mallam saying “Don’t shoot me”? That wasn’t me. That was that guy from the Sawaleh post. What’s his name again? 46? Yes. The same one.

*Gaddafi’s phone rings* *Ringtone is track 3 of Wizkid’s superstar album*

Terdoh: Sir, with all undue respect, is that “Scatter the floor”?

Quaddafi: Yes. I believe it is. After I saw that video of ‘myself’ being pushed around on that desert floor, I thought it befitting.

*Gaddafi crooks his middle and index fingers at the word “myself”, and then answers call*

Quaddafi: Yes, where were we?

Terdoh: So you’re implying you’re not really dead?

Quaddafi: Dead? No. I am immortal. I saw the video though. Ha! “Don’t shoot”. Prime entertainment. Although, I’m a bit disappointed at the shooter. I paid that double good money, and I was going to be entertained watching ‘my’ proceedings in court.

*again with the finger-thing*

Terdoh: I see. Shall we move on to your family? I will start with your wife. How is she?

Quaddafi: You mean Fatima al-Nuri?

Terdoh: Isn’t it spelt “Fatiha”?

Quaddafi: Again, gross misunderstanding with the names. Anyway, I dumped her. She’s rich. She can fend for herself.

Terdoh: May I ask why?

Quaddafi: For one, she can pronounce the word “Akpu”. Never seen any hausa girl that can pronounce “Akpu”. She was cheating.

Terdoh: And your sons?

Quaddafi: I hope they’re getting pussy. I
sure would love some.

Terdoh: You don’t seem very concerned about their safety, considering your reputation.

Quaddafi: If the world can fall for the same trick that Michael Jackson has been doing with Tito for over 20 years, I don’t think they have a problem.

Oh, and I might add. I heard you people cracking jokes about my demise. Stupid shit like “Now that Gadaffi has been dragged out of the tunnel, I hope Libyans can see the light at the end of it”. There is no light to be seen, morrafukas! I, Col. Mohammed Gadapi…

Terdoh: Moammar sir…

Quaddafi: You will tell me my own name again?

*Bin Laden pops into the screen*

Quaddafi: This is my shot! Osama. Get your own laptop with skype.

*Bin Laden staggers away mumbling something about the virgins being recycled in Hawaii*

Quaddafi: Don’t mind him. Osama Bin Drinking. Where was I? Yes! I heard you people cracking stupid jokes about my death. I hope you know I’m following you on twitter. I will be back soon. I would have gotten my account verified, but that would mean going to that twitter office. I might as well turn myself in. Ko.

Terdoh: So what is your message to the people or the youths out there?

Quaddafi: You are being deceived. Kanye West is a fool. Obama is my guy. Bin Laden and I are still alive, and Idi Amin is gangsteh.

Idi Amin: *does Rick Ross grunt*

Terdoh: Striking resemblance. Thank you for the message. And thank you for honouring us with your pres… WHAT WAS THAT??

Quaddafi: There seems to have been an explosion here! I can’t really talk right now! I need to take my remaining 55 virgins and leave! I’ll be back!

*Terry G’s Knack You Apkako plays in the background as virgins run about in confusion in skype video*

*curtain falls*


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