Good evening Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys , Girls and Insects. Welcome to the first edition of your favourite programme ”OUTERVIEWS”
#sidenote: if you didn’t question the possibility of the above welcome, then something is ‘strong’ with you. How can it be the first edition, yet your favourite programme?
Here on OuterViews, we shall engage various personalities on issues and events as they affect our life and society. (you really believe this?) We shall attempt to bring to our readers the truth and inner scoop of happenings the world over. (While believing that y’all don’t listen to news, read newspapers or better yet, lounge on Twitter.)
Today we are going to be reviewing a very important aspect of our National Unity. A force so strong that it unites Nigerians of different backgrounds and ethnicities. From the South to the West, From the East to the North… A force stronger than the pimples on Jesse Jags face, A force deeper than the distance between Kris Humphries head and Kim Kardashian’s minuscule brain. Ladies and Gentlemen and readers behind the screens, today we shall be talking Soccer. More explicitly, we shall be talking about the Super Eagles.
With me in this magnificent imaginary studio are West Brom attacker and Eagles striker Peter Adaze Odemweenie and on my left Prof T.D Josiah.
You are welcome guys.
Adaze: “Thank you Sirkastiq, my pleasure”
Prof: “Emmanuel Emmanuel Emmanuel!”
We shall kick off with you Prof. It was revealed that the Lord showed you the fateful Nigeria-Guinea match. What exactly happened?
#sidebar: (Pls read Profs dialogue in typical Josiah-ish accent with special stress emphasis on capitalised words)
Prof: “Thank you Saka, *strokes beard* Like i SAID, i was sitting in the corner, puffing on my roll of gbana, then the Lord just enter, he was not wearing prada. Hohohoho.. you know they say is devil that wears prada…So, as the lord ENTER, i ask him what we gonna do tonight? he say he wants to…celeBRATE. i ask my woman to bring some holy water from sapele and we start to pop the THING. Then we sit down to play game on the PS3 that i seized from one member. ..we come and decide to play football. The lord say i’m a fowl so he choose Guinea, me i love my country so i choose NIGERIA. I say that we should play betting and set money. The lord say “he cannot serve two master” so we say that first to score go win. You know the lord now, sharply he score me and i shout “eli eli lama sabacth ani” (my lord, my lord, why haff you forsake me?) then the lord haff mercy on me a sinner and we play draw. Unfortunate for NIGERIA, whatever the lord seal on earth is seal in heaven. That is how i make my prophecy.
So your prophecy was based on a PS3 game? I’m getting you… Mr Adaze, what went wrong? You played like you had hot shit between your legs.
Adaze: Brother, i don’t understand warrapened men, you know, i feel like i was carrying wait. The pressure to perform was much you know, the stadium, the people in the area be shouting and screaming you know…
But you should be used to this by now afterall you play in the Premiership
Adaze: I know right? But its different o! And the prof’s prophecy gave most of us running stomach. We tried to rich him so that he can pray for us but no time and our confidence dropped.
Are you saying its the prof’s fault?
Prof: its not TODAY that i started to suffer persec…What’s that word again o jare? Let the confused albino be talking anyhow. Instead of him to accept that he does not know how to play the BALL and come for prayer. Look at Kanu..he’s 57 years and was still playing well. He came to me, i help HIM.
Adaze: You are a fake prof. I can not meet you. Look at what you did to yakubu.
Prof: Yakubu is a stingy morrafocka, i tell him to pay full money for world cup excellent performance, he pay 10%. So i dabaru his career.
Guys we are seeking a way forward for our football. We are not here to point fingers at each other.
Prof: the bible says that..wait i don’t know any quote off head and there’s no projector here…Anyway, the way forward is forward. The lord will visit me again this weekend, but he has told me sha, that for NIGERIA football to grow again, we haff to throw away all these omo ale jati jati confused children that call themself footballer. They think life is to be plaiting head, the head is now too tight and is causing blood to not flow to their brain. Darris why that Mikeal Obe will be dull.
Are you saying the solution to our problem lies in disbanding the team?
Prof: Saka, i am a man of the lord. I can solve the problem of the super eagle. We don’t even have team. We have a collection of rich morrafockas chasing felele up and down.
Sir you have used vulgarity on this show twice. Pls curtail your language sir.
Prof: EMMANUEL!!! Vulga-ri-what? I’m here speaking in tongues and you’re sat there call it vulgarities. Morrafocka is a tongue from the north part of the Americas. Googoon that shit jare. And yes shit is tongue too.
Adaze: Sirkastiq…dont listen to this man. *opens bible* luke 6:26 says “no man is an Island” so he cannot blame us for the performance. (Man in the audience screams #DEEP)
*Adaze, feeling fly quickly tweets statement, types íreland’, Mentions start buzzing* Sorry Sirkastiq, i have to go, i’m in a Twitter fight right now and this might get bloody…*storms out*
So Prof, the way forward?
Prof: Thank you, you see, me i like my country, i like im land and people, everything e dey for Nigeria..i’m a solution provider. I have helped plenty people and i am willing to offer my services to the super Eagle. If they cannot scatter the team, i have option number B
Sir, B is a letter not a number…
Prof: do you want me to turn you into a chicken by throwing a strand of my beard at you? So as i was SAYING, i have helped many people. The Eagle should come to me and i shall knack them akpako and solve the problem forever
“knack Akpako?!” Prof, you listen to Terry G?
Prof: Saka, you are a weist. Knack Akpako is Greek. It is a joining of two words ‘Nak’ and ‘Apocalypse’ To ‘nak’ is greek for “to destroy” and “apocalypse” is Greek for destruction. So it means to destroy destruction. I want to help the Eagle to destroy their destruction. You better stop dulling there and learn these tongues. Look at Wizkit. I taught him “iyeyeye” and shebi he haff blow? Look at D’piss , i taught him “wikwiwinononawikwinono” The rest is history. Let the eagle visit me, carry their cardboard paper stating their problem and i shall solve it shikena!
Thank you very much Prof for your time and honouring us with you presence.
Prof: Wait! I haff bag of Emmanuel rice here for the people. Let every body take away one one DeRica.
Thank you prof.
Well, Dear readers, you’ve read it all from the horses’ mouth..Our problems appear to be spiritual and the prof has proferred a solution (did you see that line? #classic) If you took anything you read here seriously, you need to read our TSC motto again. Till we come your way again, if we come your way again (because we can’t be bothered to come your way again), i remain for the Outerview crew…Sirkastiq.
*Knack you Akpako plays as Prof galala’s and rings bell*
Outerviews is a TSC production ©2011 and will be coming up weekly with ‘outerviews’ of special guests done by guest writers. If you have a hilarious outerview, do contact me on Twitter @Sirkastiq.
(not like i care if you do/don’t)