Semen White

It’s been a long journey and we appreciate everyone for going the distance with us. We *sob* have almost come to the end of this. Today’s story is quite short for reasons you shall discover as you read on. Thanks again for bearing with us on this project. You guys are so freaking awesome.

Ladies and Gentlemen…

@Terdoh

*****

“Really? Seriously? This is all?”

-Amelia.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Pass me my bra please…”

-Janet.

“Yes, I love a man who can make me laugh. But not by tickling me with his penis”

-Tolu.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

-About 4 different girls.

“Where is the rest?”

-Ore.

“I thought this was a no-smoking zone”

-Ibukun.

It’s not funny.

It usually starts off beautiful. One or two dates and she is asking for more. I take her home, lights are dim, the wine is chilled, the music is soft and the mood is just right. We start touching; 1^st base, 2^nd base, 3^rd base, her clothes imitate autumn as they fall to the floor, I get on my knees and make her more than happy, she’s yelling for me to “take me baby!” and just as I’m about to get lucky, I take off my shorts and this is when shit happens…

Shit always happens.

And they get so creative with the retorts… I once had a woman ask me if Gulder didn’t conduct their famed searches in my pubic hair to find the “Hidden Penis”. Another asked me if I wasn’t a doctor and didn’t my hospital offer help for amputees?

“No wonder you were playing Wande Cole”

*long deep sigh*

I just want some ass…

I have this recurrent dream. I’m in a hospital chair, and the doctor is showing me an array of beautiful penises and asking me to choose.

Doctor: Excellent choice. Now how many inches do you want?

Me: Nothing excessive. Say….10 inches?

Doctor: No problem. So that will bring your size to a total of what, 10 inches?

And all the nurses would burst out laughing.

See? Even in my dreams, people have a way of taunting me with the small penis jokes.

What’s even worse about this is I’ve been told to “give it time. It’ll grow on you”. I want to take that literally but apparently, nothing is growing. I’m sure you’re going “Really, it can’t be that bad”. Here’s how I overhead an ex describing her penis to her friends;

“Stick out your pinky finger”

[At this point all her friends go “C’mooon! It can’t be that small!!”]

“Oh please! He’s not that big. Now, see the length between the joint where the finger meets the palm and the 1^st joint in the pinky? That’s Dayo when he’s flaccid”

“And when he’s hard?” one of her friends prodded…

“No difference honey.”

“My dear, I don’t know how you survived three weeks with him.”

“He said it was his longest relationship ever”

I’m not saying I cried myself to sleep that night…

Why can’t you just love me for me? Why? Why do you have to love me for my penis? You shallow women who say they want a man who will be loving and caring. I’m all that shit and more. I stroke your ego, I bring breakfast in bed, I freaking cuddle for the love of Michael Bublé and all the other gay people.  Yet, you women are so quick to put your clothes back on and reply my “why are you leaving? I made dinner” with “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.”

I just want some ass…

A friend of mine suggested that I pay for sex. He even offered to foot the first bill and got a half caste Lebanese chick that would do whatever I wanted, and would never say anything derogatory about me.

She said it was the best dry hump she ever had.

Another friend of mine said I should just service myself.

I think he was making fun of me. I mean, how do I stroke something that’s too small to fit in the palm of my hand comfortably? Not to talk of…

I’m tired please.

I know what you’re saying. Why don’t you just go for penile enlargement surgery? That shit costs an average of $4,500 dollars you idiot! Am I supposed to get that on a doctor’s paycheck? Please don’t piss me off.

You know how they say don’t mix business with pleasure? I didn’t listen. You see, these nurses ehn, they swing their hips seductively, lick their lips and flutter their eyelids furtively and you’re all wanting to go to bed with one of them. Then you do (well, in my case, you try to) and the next day, guess what all the nurses are calling you?

That’s right… Dr. Too-Little.

I’m not saying I cried myself to sleep that night…

Don’t tell me it’s just sex. Just…sex? Sex is one of the most beautiful things God created and you’re saying it’s…just…sex?

Don’t let me rape you.

Oh that’s right! I can’t even if I want to…

I’m about to break down.

It’s not enough that I have to put up with the “Has anyone broken your hymen? Let’s get Gay Josh to do it for you”, and the “The pygmies aren’t extinct. Tell Ted to pull down his pants”  jokes from my male friends; some of my female friends have actually tried to introduce me to some of their gay friends.

What’s worse is I have been put in the cuddle zone. A few of my female friends heard about my ‘little situation’ and have decided that every time they’re cold and don’t want to have sex, they’ll just come over to my crib, stay under the duvet, and watch a movie.

Some of them come to talk to me about their problems. I’m Ultimate Friend Zone chilling with a Gold Card and unlimited access to their reservoir of secrets, but no ass…

No ass yo…

I just…

I just want some ass.

*****

Have you voted for us at The Nigerian Blog Awards, Please click here to cast your vote for The Sarcastic Center in “Best Humor blog” and “Best Collaborative/Group Blog” Thanks